In a shocking turn of events, I shall now reveal that I DESPISE THE SUPER BOWL. (Yes, I fully realize I have begun every Super Bowl column for the last 10 years with this statement. WHAT'S YOUR FREAKING POINT?) Seriously, is this overbloated, commercialized, homoerotic/-phobic exercise in bashing out human brains really the ultimate American event? Is this really the best we can do after seeing China's spectacular Olympic Games opening ceremonies or Barack Obama's inauguration? These are the kind of events that should bring us together—events that say, "Hey, we're AMERICAN (or Chinese, in the Chinese's case), and this is what we STAND FOR."
"You, Wm. Steven Hump-Me, are a homo," I hear many of you cry. "The Super Bowl is an epic example of masculine pageantry, throwing a celebratory light on the last vestiges of machismo and virility that have been slowly sucked from the emasculated male corpse." WOW. I couldn't agree with you more. Plus, it SUCKS. You forgot to mention that part.
Anyway, since I'm the stupid TV columnist, I have to mention that the stupid Super Bowl is on this stupid Sunday, stupid February 1, on stupid NBC, at stupidly stupid 6:00 stupid p.m. HOWEVER! I am so uninterested in the Super Bowl, I've decided not to mention, or even do the necessary research to find out, who's playing—in protest! (Take that, Super Bowl organizers! Would you like some salve to go with your buuuuuuuuuurn?)
On the other hand, there is one reason to watch the Super Bowl—and that's for the ridiculously overblown controversy that's bound to happen. For example, remember that Super Bowl when Janet Jackson's titty fell out? Or that one Super Bowl when they showed a Snickers commercial featuring two supposedly hetero guys giving each other a tonsil massage with their tongues? Or when Prince masturbated his guitar behind that big white sheet? (Ew.) Anyway... people went ape-poop!
So am I right in saying—and you already know that I am—that the only real purpose of a Super Bowl is to be a vehicle for whatever controversy happens to occur? Yes, I am right, and here's my proof. Answer me this: The year Janet Jackson's titty fell out, who played in the Super Bowl and what was the score? Uh-huh. I REST MY CASE.
Therefore, the Super Bowl committee—who I imagine as slope-foreheaded Neanderthals with long flowing locks of hair growing from their knuckles—should stop worrying about the success or failure of the actual game. They should focus all of their attention on making this year's controversy the most controversial ever! Ideas? Of COURSE I have ideas!
During the first half of the game, they should have some guy dressed up like Osama bin Laden run out onto the field, steal the ball, and then run away from the players as the Benny Hill theme song plays in the background. While Bruce Springsteen is playing the half-time show, his titty should fall out. Followed by his penis. And finally, in the game's final moments, the quarterbacks from each team should meet on the 50-yard line, pull their pants down, and rub their Snickers together.
Now, that's good controversy.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 29
8:00 HBO THE TRIALS OF TED HAGGARD
Don't miss this fascinating documentary about Reverend Ted Haggard—post–gay sex scandal, but still hungry for cock!
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season premiere! Chef Gordon Ramsay returns for another season of calling people "stupid fucking donkeys."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 30
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Baltar's sexy Six returns—but as an angel? There goes my boner.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 31
8:00 ABC ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY—Movie
(2004) Will Ferrell stars as the most hilarious sexist '70s-era news anchor ever!
8:00 ANI NATIONAL DOG SHOW
It's the one time of year when it's okay to reach between a dog's legs.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1
6:00 NBC SUPER BOWL XLIII
Okay, fine! It's the Cardinals versus the Steelers. JEEZ.
10:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Two post–Super Bowl episodes guest-starring Jack Black, Cloris Leachman, and Jessica Alba (whose titty will fall out, I hope).
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2
9:00 MTV BROMANCE
Season finale! Brody picks his new "bro" and asks, "Now can we rub our Snickers together?"
9:00 NBC HEROES
Hiro loses his superpowers, so... go back to your mom's basement, nerd!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3
9:30 ABC SCRUBS
Ted falls in love with a ukelele player. That is so very sad.
10:00 MTV A DOUBLE SHOT OF LOVE
Season finale! The Ikki Twins pick the people with whom they'll be sharing their crabs.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Welcome to the Hollywood round—which is convenient because the losers can go straight into porn.
8:00 ABC LOST
The castaways continue to jump back and forth in time, but pause in the '60s to do some sex and drugs and socking it to "The Man."
Let's rub our Snickers together.