Though it gives me great pain to use this column for something other than television criticism, I can be silent no longer! I would like to speak today about a scourge attacking our community--a scourge called "teenage street-racing"! Now, I have nothing against teenage activities: Just last weekend I attended a "teenage booze party" and found it delightful. HOWEVER! It is infuriating that teenagers are placing their lives, and the lives of others, in danger by racing cars far faster than my own.

Example! Last night I was cruising the mall, and this teenage jackass in one of them souped-up Japanese cars slides up and sez, "Hey, OLD MAN! How's about you and me burn some rubber?" So I looked at his ride and was like, "Oh yeah? Since when did Fisher-Price start making cars?" (Hoo-hooooo! Now that was a good one!) And he was like, "Oh, yeah? Well, let's see if you can run your car as good as you run your mouth!" And I was like, "Oh, yeah? Well, let's see if your car can mouth as run as my car!" And he was like, "What??" And I was like, "See ya, sucker!" and hit the gas!

So this guy is eatin' my dust, right? I'm going so freaking fast I blew the windows out of the JC Penney! And then--the unthinkable occurred. Less than 75 yards away from the finish line, that teenage jackass blew past me like I was sitting in a pot of Elmer's glue. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" he howled when I finally crossed the line. "Don't you know anything, OLD MAN? The hep teenagers don't race with gas-o-line! They race with NITRO!! See you in the Museum of Natural History, OLD MAN! And I make that joke because you're OLD!!" Freakin' teenage creep.

Anyway, here's my point! I'd still be "King of the Mall" if it weren't for the popularity of "NITRO"--and "NITRO" wouldn't be popular if it weren't for movies like The Fast and the Furious (which included a plot remarkably similar to the one above). But now there's even worse news! As it turns out, Hollywood is preparing a big-screen adaptation of the 1980s TV show Knight Rider--to appeal to the same teenage jackass who embarrassed me outside the mall!

That's right--Knight Rider. The same show that featured David "Baywatch" Hasselhoff as the cop who got his face shot off, and was given the sweetest freakin' ride in the world. It was a black Trans Am called K.I.T.T. that could go 300 mph and make insane jumps, and had x-ray vision, ejection seats, and a voice that sounded like a limey fairy. And you just KNOW the new version of K.I.T.T. is gonna be even better (as long as they get rid of the limey fairy voice)!

Next thing I know, I'll be pulling up to the mall, and there's some zit-faced teenager bragging about how his car is powered by nuclear fawking fission! And I clearly cannot compete with that! So, my friends, this scourge of "teenage street-racing" must be stopped. (Or at least taken to a different mall. That was MY mall, man! MY MALL!)