I've spoken at annoying lengths about how Aquaman is the worst superhero in the universe. [Short version? (A) Talking to fish serves absolutely no purpose unless I'm able to talk them into my mouth. (B) With the small exception of Somali pirates, 98.99 percent of all crime happens on LAND. And (C) Aquaman is boooooooooooooring!! End of short version.] HOWEVER! I rarely, if ever, talk about the second-most-worst superhero in the universe, Green Lantern—and I'm about to correct this grievous error.
While not nearly as terrible as Aquaman, Green Lantern is moderately to mostly terrible. Long version: (A) He gets his powers from a ring. Why not a butterfly hair clip? (B) His weakness is the color "yellow." My weakness is the color "chartreuse"—especially when paired with white loafers and a floral scarf tied around the neck. In other words, Green Lantern can use his ring to move the moon out of its orbit, but he can't capture the Gorton's Fisherman? THAT'S BULLPOOP, MY FRIENDS!
(C) There are 50,000 other "Green Lanterns" scattered across the galaxy as well—because obviously the writers of this comic needed to make him even less special. And (D) he's boooooooooooooring!! (Which made boooooooooooooring Ryan Reynolds the best choice to star in the boooooooooooooring Green Lantern movie.)
On the upside, Green Lantern has a kick-ass costume, and I bet it gets him plenty of tail. And even if the tail didn't like his costume, he could be like, "Whatever, baby!" and conjure up a near-exact look-alike with his ring who would say things like, "Oooh, baby! You look so sexy in that costume! And your ring doesn't strike me as feminine at all! Here's my tail!"
Aquaman doesn't get any tail. Because he smells like fish. (Whale tail or blowholes don't count.)
Anyway! Green Lantern has been having a tough time of it lately thanks to that piece of crap movie starring boooooooooooooring Ryan Reynolds, so he's due for something good to happen that doesn't necessarily involve a sweet piece of tail. And that "something good" is a brand-new animated series appropriately entitled Green Lantern: The Animated Series! And while it won't start officially until spring 2012, Cartoon Network is giving us a special one-hour sneaky peek/series premiere this coming Friday, November 11, at 7 pm. And for a show that features the second-worst superhero in the universe, it ain't half bad!
It's produced by cartoony genius Bruce Timm (the mastermind behind Batman: The Animated Series and its Superman counterpart), but unlike the traditional animation Timm employed in earlier 'toons, Green Lantern is all CGI—with a very similar visual style to Pixar's The Incredibles. Another plus? Snappy writing. Gone are the days of Green Lantern's boring honky talk; here GL is brash, cracking wise, and consistently flirting with any tail in sight (even if that tail belongs to a computer).
As far as Green Lantern updates go, The Animated Series is a fun and often exciting addition—which means his status as "second-worst superhero" has been upgraded to number three on my list. (Aqualad? That means you're number two. Go bone a blowhole.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9
9:00 PBS NOVA
A physicist theorizes that past, present, and future exist simultaneously. Okay, then… where’s my jetpack?!?
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Crazy neighbor Constance dreams up a new plan to get rid of Tate (that doesn’t involve “killing him with kindness”).
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Pam goes on maternity leave, and her replacement temp is ha-ha-HAWT!
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang decides to “extract” an “artifact” from a “residence” (aka “breaking,” “entering,” and “robbing”).
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11
7:00 TOON GREEN LANTERN: THE ANIMATED SERIES
Debut! Green Lantern rushes across space to save his fellow Lanterns (and score some tail).
9:00 NBC GRIMM
A flash mob goes extremely wrong—but when has a flash mob gone extremely right?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12
9:00 SYFY RAGE OF THE YETI
(2011) I’m not exactly sure what would enrage a Yeti… maybe misplacing its mittens?
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by Emma Stone (aka Gwen Stacy, aka Spider-Man’s smooch pal)!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
While searching for clues, Daryl is injured and attacked by walkers! (Activate crazy redneck powers!)
10:00 AMC HELL ON WHEELS
Lily fights for survival in the wilderness. (Just checking… still no zombies on this show, right? Right.)
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14
10:00 ABC ABC NEWS: GABY GIFFORD’S STORY
Diane Sawyer interviews the Arizona representative who survived being gunned down by an assassin.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 15
8:00 FOX GLEE
Sue goes for the tried and true in her run for Congress: the smear campaign!
9:00 NGC KNIGHTS OF MAYHEM
Debut! A show about jousting enthusiasts. (Seriously, need I say more?)
Put a ring on it.