Look at this pee stain on my pants. I SAID, "LOOK AT IT!" What is exciting enough to induce my urine to leave its comfortable home and soak my sexiest pair of GUESS jeans? Just this week's debut of Joss Whedon's newest sci-fi nerdgasm, Dollhouse (debuting Fri Feb 13, 9 pm, Fox). Hold on... hear that pshhhhing noise? That's the sound of millions of gallons of urine squirting uncontrollably from the shriveled members of geeky Poindexters everywhere—just because I mentioned Dollhouse! It's THAT exciting!!
Okay, look down. Is the front area of your pants drenched with yellow moistness? If you answered "no," then there's a good chance you have no idea who Joss Whedon is and may be starting to suspect I don't have the mental capacity to eat mashed potatoes by myself, let alone write a TV column. But what YOU don't understand is that Joss Whedon is an f-bombing GENIUS, man! Yes, he created the wholly brilliant Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Yes, he created the nearly-as-brilliant spin-off Angel! Yes, he created the not-quite-as-brilliant-as-Buffy-but-somewhat-more-brilliant-than-Angel sci-fi show Firefly! And YES, he also created the somewhat-less-brilliant-than-Angel-but-50-billion-times-more-brilliant-than–Star Trek: Deep Space Nine musical web miniseries Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog! Are you urinating yet? WELL, YOU SHOULD BE!!
So... no pee? Not even a little squirt? Huh. Okay. Wow. All right then, listen to this! Not only does Dollhouse (whoops, peed a little) star Eliza Dushku, the hotter-than-hot superhottie who played Faith in Buffy and Angel, she portrays a character named "Echo" who belongs to a gang of kinda-sorta secret agents (nicknamed "Dolls") who have their personalities erased so they can be imprinted with brand-new personas. Say, for example, that a certain mission needs the talents of a brilliant scientist who knows kung fu; with a flip of a switch, Echo becomes a cross between Stephen Hawking and Bruce Lee—with boobs!
Need a change of underpants yet? No? Then I shall continue! So after StephenHawkingBruceLeeWithBoobs finishes her mission—whammo! Echo's supervisors erase all traces of her memory, and until another mission comes along, she's sent back to... the Dollhouse! (Ugh. I'm gonna need a new pair of socks.) BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! As it turns out, Echo is different from the other "dolls" in that, with each passing mission, the mind wipes become less and less effective. That means at some point she's gonna get sick of doing everybody's dirty work and start kicking some urine-soaked ass! DOLLHOUSE!
Still dry, huh? Well... FINE. Don't watch what will surely be the awesomest show of the season... see if I care! But when everybody else is over at my place watching Dollhouse and filling my living room with reeking liquid waste? DON'T COME SWIMMING TO ME!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE BRAZILIAN HIGHLANDS
Season premiere! Man, why can't it be the Scottish Highlands so they can lop each other's heads off with swords?
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
In this Valentine's Day episode, Liz tries to woo the dreamy Jon Hamm! (Back off, hag! He's MINE!!)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Debut! Echo (Eliza Dushku) is hired to be a hostage negotiator. A sexy hostage negotiator, right? That's a good Halloween costume.
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Titled "No Exit" (perhaps from Sartre's play?), this episode is bound to be another LAUGH RIOT!!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
The always-hilarious Alec Baldwin hosts, with an appearance by creepy teens the Jonas Brothers. Uggh!
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15
8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season premiere! The contestants almost get killed in Switzerland, because the country refuses to get involved. GET IT?!?
10:30 HBO EAST BOUND & DOWN
Debut! Danny McBride (Pineapple Express, The Foot Fist Way) stars as a disgraced pitcher who returns home to teach phys-ed!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16
9:00 FOX 24
Tech expert Chloe takes on geeky Janis (Janeane Garofalo) in a computastic nerd-off!
9:00 NBC HEROES
Nathan is investigated by Homeland Security, and—hasn't Obama fired those guys yet?
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Twelve contestants from the top 36 perform, and viewers are finally allowed to start voting their asses off!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18
8:00 HBO THE WITNESS
An Oscar-nominated documentary featuring recollections from Reverend Samuel Kyles, who was with Martin Luther King Jr. when he was assassinated.
9:00 ABC LOST
Ben figures out how to get the Oceanic 6 back to the island, and it involves "kicking" and "screaming."
Thanks, but edible underpants aren't as absorbent. email@example.com