Okay! As you may or may not have surmised, I've spent this summer doing only two things: making with the "licky-boom-boom-down" (ladies, you know what I'm talkin' about), and watching American Idol (FOX, Tuesdays at 9:00 pm, Wednesdays at 9:30 pm). And by the time you read this, there should be only three contestants left: Tamyra (a.k.a. "Whitney Houston"), Kelly (a.k.a. "the only good thing to ever come from Texas"), and Justin (a.k.a. "Sideshow Bob"). Which means it's time to place yer bets!

Sure, you can waste your dough on an office pool... but if you really want to put your money where your mouth is, you should go right to the offshore online gaming company BetWWTS.com, where you can bet actual money on who will win American Idol!

I can assure you Tamyra will win--as I am a professional entertainment expert of exquisite taste. However, there are some poor souls among us who are mistakenly convinced that Kelly can emerge victorious, and some even dumber people who think that frizzy-haired jackass "Sideshow Bob" will win.

However! Though I haven't won this bet yet, I have already determined to sink all my winnings into yet another gambling endeavor--the worldwide Global Idol contest! That's right! Due to the success of American Idol and its U.K. equivalent, Pop Idol, the producers have decided to do a world version where the winners of each country compete to see who is the most entertaining nation in the UNIVERSE. And in case there's any confusion on that point, the most entertaining nation in the UNIVERSE is the mother-freaking USA, mother-freaker!!

Now, I'll admit there are other countries who have put out a decent song or two, but C'MON!!! America is CLEARLY the most talented and entertaining nation in the world, which is why everybody always copies us. And yes, while we too can be accused of "copying" on occasion, it's a known fact that whatever any country can come up with, we can steal it and make it BETTER.

Think about it! If you put America's Tamyra up against one of those weird high-pitched yodelers from India, who's gonna win? Exactly. People from India are nice, but their music? Christ! It sounds like two castrated wildcats fighting on a chalkboard! Or say we put Tamyra up against the Krauts? Sorry, Adolf, but Tamyra's voice and sweet, sweet ass will beat a tuba and lederhosen any day!

So if you're smart, you'll be like me: winning a ton of dough off the 12-year-old girls voting for "Sideshow Bob," and betting the farm on Tamyra in the forthcoming Global Idol--because in case you didn't know, only suckers bet against the red, white, and blue, mother-freaker!!