It's another huge week for TV—and yet I will focus much of this column on minutiae that is of interest only to myself. And unsurprisingly, the subject is once again MONKEYS. Today's monkey topic: Why does the media continue to represent monkeys in such a ridiculously factual manner?
Example: This week, the Animal Planet network brings us the second-season premiere of the awesomely titled but poorly executed Escape to Chimp Eden (Fri April 3, 9 pm). When I first heard of this show, I squealed like a tween catching her first glimpse of a Jonas Brother nipple—because I thought the show was going to be an accurate representation of the title. I mean... c'mon! Escape to Chimp Eden SHOULD be about monkeys being rescued from zoos and taken to a Japanese TV studio where they can (a) eat spaghetti, (b) wear little red jumpers, (c) roller-skate and/or ride Segways, and (d) fling their poop at humans. That's "Eden," right? Instead, the show is about a naturalist who "rescues" endangered chimps and transports them to a wildlife preserve in Africa.
Last time I checked, there are no Segways in Africa! There are also no little red jumpers to wear! (There may be spaghetti... I'm not sure.) However, there is an ample supply of BOREDOM. Therefore! If this naturalist is so convinced that monkeys would be happier in SUPER-BORING Africa than a super-fun-filled Japanese TV studio—THEN WHY DOESN'T HE LIVE THERE? Check... mate... and BURRRRRRN.
Now, while naturalists all over the world are sputtering and fuming in impotent rage over my totally wicked burn, let's check out some non-chimp-related shows coming on this week.
• ER (NBC, Thurs April 2, 9 pm). It's the two-hour SERIES finale of ER, and they're pulling out all the stops by bringing on the most awesome special guest star ever, ERNEST BORGNINE! (Note to anyone who's never heard of the extraordinarily splendiferous and loveably majestic Borgnine: You suck. He was in Airwolf, man! AIR FREAKING WOLF!!)
• The Hills (MTV, Mon April 6, 10 pm). I just watched the trailer for The Hills fifth-season premiere over at MTV.com, and it... was... A-MA-ZING! Some biznatch invites Heidi to Lauren's birthday party, Spencer gets in a slap fight with Steph's b-friend, and Audrina's donkey teeth threaten to sink the whole of Southern California. This is gonna be the best season ever!
• The Unusuals (ABC, Wed April 8, 10 pm). A team of NYC detectives (including Joan of Arcadia's Amber Tamblyn, Lost's Harold Perrineau, and The Hebrew Hammer's Adam Goldberg) fights crime, while each member battles his or her own unique mental illness. Hey, that's just like me... except for the crime-fighting part.
• Deadliest Warrior (Spike, Tues April 7, 10 pm). In this reality show, a gang of fighting/weapons experts study the moves of some of the most vicious warriors in history and pit them against each other in a computer-generated fight to the finish! Don't miss such epic battles as "Ninja vs. Spartan," "Gladiator vs. Apache," "Yakuza vs. Mafia" and "Roller-Skating Chimp vs. Naturalist." (One can dream, can't one?)
THURSDAY, APRIL 2
9:00 NBC ER
Series finale! In the final episode, Noah Wyle returns along with other unemployed former cast members.
11:00 VH1 FREE RADIO
Season premiere! A very funny sitcom about a moron who gets his own radio show. Why is everyone so surprised he's a moron?
FRIDAY, APRIL 3
9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Echo awakens with all of her original memories intact and leads the other dolls in a dollhouse break!
SATURDAY, APRIL 4
10:00 USA WWE HALL OF FAME INDUCTION
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin and others are inducted into the wrestling hall of fame, which is subsequently destroyed by a grudge match.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Actor Seth "star of every decent comedy from the last three years" Rogen hosts.
SUNDAY, APRIL 5
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Moe meets a foxy lady on the internet who turns out to be a foxy midg... ummmm... "little person"!
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Hank hires some new drug runners. (Hey, at least meth production isn't being affected by the economic crisis!)
MONDAY, APRIL 6
9:30 ABC SURVIVING SUBURBIA
Debut! Bob Saget (Full House) returns as a bumbling suburban dad—but where the EFF is effing Uncle Jesse??
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Season premiere! Lauren decides to move out, Lo stands around looking like a rabbit that just had a prostate exam.
TUESDAY, APRIL 7
8:00 ABC IT'S THE EASTER BEAGLE, CHARLIE BROWN
Linus is wrongly convinced the "Easter beagle" will visit and that Jesus died for his sins.
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Season premiere! The firefighters discover a new way to score tons of money and sex. Umm... don't forget about the fires, guys!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8
9:00 ABC LOST
To pay for his crimes, Ben must face "The Smoke Monster's Court." (If this show were real, I'd watch it every day.)
10:00 ABC THE UNUSUALS
Debut! A female detective is transferred to a department filled with barely functional sociopaths with guns. Yay!