Happy holidays, everyone! OKAY, enough bullpoop niceties. I must say I've been extremely disappointed in your test scores over the last few years in regards to my annual "Xmas Snap Quiz™." As you undoubtedly remember, every year I test your knowledge of those Rankin/Bass holiday specials that feature creepy wooden puppets, and every year you fail. MISERABLY. So once again, I've decided to give you ONE... LAST... CHANCE. Answer the following questions about Rudolph, the Grinch, Frosty, Santa, and that king of the bald prepubescent martyrs, Charlie Brown. Answers are below, but remember! Cheaters only cheat themselves—at least that's what my ex-wife used to nag me about.


Match the syrupy holiday special on the top with the arch-nemesis on the bottom who would ruin Xmas for everybody!

Holiday Special

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

A Charlie Brown Christmas

The Year Without a Santa Claus

Frosty the Snowman

The Little Drummer Boy

Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town


Winter Warlock

Professor Hinkle

Abominable Snowman

Ben Haramed

Cindy Lou Who


The Miser Bros

"We Three Kings" Multiple-Choice Quiz

1. The Grinch can best be described as (a) cranky, (b) lacking in the spirit deemed appropriate for the holidays, (c) a triple-decker sauerkraut-and-toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.

2. In A Charlie Brown Christmas, Lucy says Christmas is "a commercial racket run by..." (a) "a big Eastern syndicate," (b) "ad agencies," (c) "MetLife."

3. Which of the following is NOT one of the names considered by the children for Frosty the Snowman? (a) Harold. (b) Freezie. (c) Oatmeal. (d) Kuckafuckarabba.

4. "I'm Mister Green Christmas, I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister, I'm Mister Hundred and One." Okay, so who am I? (a) Mr. Curling Iron. (b) A motorcycle exhaust pipe. (c) An ad for a tanning salon. (d) The Heat Miser.

5. In Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town, what's the name of the toy-hatin' mayor of Sombertown? (a) Burgermeister Burgermeister. (b) Burgerburger Meistermeister. (c) Meisterburger Burgermeister. (d) Burgermeister Meisterburger.

6. In which holiday special is Santa a real asshole? (a) The Year Without a Santa Claus. (b) Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. (c) Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town. (d) Frosty the Snowman.

7. In The Year Without a Santa Claus, Jangle Bells the elf shows his concern for Santa by saying, (a) "What about your gout?" (b) "Maybe you've got a tapeworm." (c) "You don't scare children.... You LOVE children!" (d) "You look so tense... Here, lie down and let me rub those tired muscles." recommended

Turn your monitor upside-down to see the answers!

Friday, Dec 22




(1964) A Limey family panics when their children are kidnapped by a singing nanny/witch.

Saturday, Dec 23




(1965) An Austrian governess and her kids use music to outwit some really stupid Nazis.

Sunday, Dec 24




(Sing along!) Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walkin' out the dooooooor!

Send your underwhelming test scores to... steve@thestranger.com