If you're currently doing something... stop doing it. I need to tell you something very important—and I need your full attention. Are you currently giving CPR to your mother? Stop doing that. What I have to say is that important. Are you just about to bang Mila Kunis and her previously unheard-of twin sister? Stop doing that. I need to tell you something important.
Okay, now that I have your attention, here's what I have to say: If you plan on doing ANYTHING this Sunday, don't do that. There are simply too many amazing things happening on television this Sunday to warrant doing anything else—and this includes, but is not limited to: Rescuing a kitten from a burning building. (Important... but not important enough.) Saying goodbye to your boyfriend who's going to study in Europe for a year. (There's no point... in his mind, he's already porking a cigarette-smoking, beret-wearing French girl who rides around on a bicycle carrying a baguette.) Eating any food, drinking any liquid, or inhaling oxygen or anything else into your lungs. (Only exceptions: pizza rolls, bourbon, nitrous oxide.)
Paid for by Committee to Reelect Judge North, P.O. Box 27113, Seattle, WA 98165
So what are these amazing TV things on Sunday night that are going to stop you from telling Kanye West you'd be happy to go on tour with him? Oh, just the following:
• The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9 pm): While I'm loath to recommend ANY show featuring that walking piece of toupeed feces Donald Trump, I have to admit that this year's lineup of washed-up celebs is fairly awwwwwesome. For example! American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken? (Ka-BOING!) TV's Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno? (WHAAAA??) '80s pop darling Debbie Mothereffing Gibson? (SQUEEEEEE!) Whoop-whoop former talk show host Arsenio Hall? (WHOOP! WHOOP!) And... hold on... Star Trek's Sulu and most awesome gay dude alive, George Takei?? (I don't have a sound effect worthy of this man—so I'm making one up. MALABALAFALAPAPA!!!)
• The Walking Dead (AMC, 9 pm): While last season lacked the desired number of zombie decapitations, tonight's episode pits Rick, Glenn, and Hershel against a mob of brain-hungry undead. (Zombie Decapitation Pro Tip: Always stretch out first—swinging a shovel can strain the lower back.)
• Eastbound & Down (HBO, 10 pm): Failed baseball star Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) returns for a third season of hillbill-arious shenanigans. After his exile in Mexico, Kenny lands a pitching gig in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina—a perfect place for him to ride his Confederate flag boogie board.
• Life's Too Short (HBO, 10:30 pm): Here's that new Ricky Gervais mockumentary starring Warwick Davis—the little person from Willow (AWWWWW!)—who plays a fictionalized version of himself experiencing the day-to-day woes of being a dwarf actor in Hollywood. (Which is still better than being either Lindsay Lohan or Kim Kardashian, right?)
• My Strange Addiction (TLC, 10:30 pm): And finally, what better way to end the best Sunday night ever than with the stone-cold freaks of My Strange Addiction? On tonight's double-header, people who are addicted to (a) cleaning out their ears, (b) eating cellophane tape, and (c) drinking fingernail polish. DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO??? (If it's Sunday night, I guess not!)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR
Season premiere! Eighteen castaways are stranded on a Samoan beach, and… WHY IS THIS SHOW STILL ON THE AIR?
10:00 ABC REVENGE
Chaos erupts at Emily’s engagement party, which naturally inspires… REVENGE!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16
8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Leslie and Ben have an awkward run-in with her old flame, Dave (played by Louis C.K.)! SQUEEEEE!!!
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Roger is concerned by JWoww’s revealing outfit (which is to say she’s nude, except for a tampon string).
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17
11:30 CBS LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
Tonight’s guest star: The always mostly funny Kristen Wiig!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18
8:00 ANI MY CAT FROM HELL
Featuring a cat that attacks and vomits simultaneously when angry. (Sounds like my ex-wife, amirite, high five!)
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Former cast fave Maya Rudolph returns to host. (Do Whitney Houston!)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19
8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE
Season premiere! Tonight celebrating its 20th season! (Sorry… not important enough.)
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Tonight celebrating its 500th episode! (Sorry… not important enough.)
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20
8:00 E! THE E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
Featuring the lurid past and present of Lindsay Lohan! (Nice of them not to wait until she’s dead.)
10:00 NBC SMASH
The Marilyn musical looks for its Joe DiMaggio character—because this project isn’t embarrassing enough.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Schmidt’s new girlfriend is ashamed of him—but not as ashamed as I am for loving this show.
11:00 MTV IT GETS BETTER
A special focusing on Dan Savage and Terry Miller’s It Gets Better Project, aimed at reducing teen suicide. Recommended!
Follow me on Twitter (@WmSteveHumphrey)—unless maybe you have something more important to do?