Jeremy Eaton
One good thing about contracting the Ebola virus is that you can stay home all day reading comic books. Though there's been some disagreement in the medical community as to whether or not I actually have the Ebola virus, the bottom line is this: I say I have it, and as even those fancy country-club doctors should know, the customer is ALWAYS right. Besides, so what if my eyeballs aren't bleeding? The week is still young! Those quacks also tried to tell me that I can't have the Ebola because my guts "haven't liquefied." So I said, "Boy, you haven't been to the bathroom with me lately, have ya?!" Educated fools.

And in case you're screaming, "What?!? You're not watching television??" Hell, no--because last time I checked, that was my WORK, jackass. Nope; when I have the Ebola, I like to lie on my sweet-potato pie, read comic books, and moan loudly.

And knowing how interested you are in the minutiae of my wretched existence, here is the list of comic books I have been reading: (1) Archie; (2) Archie at Riverdale High; (3) Archie's Comic Digest; (4) Archie & Jughead; (5) Li'l Archie; and, for a switch, (6) Betty & Veronica. END OF LIST. Archie is the best goddamn funny-book on the face of this planet, and as far as I'm concerned, all those other comics--those superpowered X-mutant ninja pizza warrior freaks--are wasted tree pulp that take valuable 7-Eleven shelf space from my beloved ARCHIE!

Most of us remember Archie in his insipid Saturday-morning-cartoon incarnation, which was a lot like Scooby-Doo without all the hashish references. On television, Archie and his pals were emasculated, lobotomized milksops with cracking voices. The same goes for the new version of the cartoon, Archie's Weird Mysteries (Saturdays, FOX, 10:00 a.m.), where the Riverdale gang grapples with the occult, but in a really sissy way. However, in the comic book, they're allowed to reveal their true selves: throbbing, hormone-crazed, sexually obsessed, dry-humpy teenagers.

I swear to God I didn't notice this growing up, but Archie comics are DIRTY! Each panel is packed with heaving bosoms, sinewy beefcake, and plump rumpus. Even Archie himself, the all-American boy, is obsessively driven by his baser instincts and cursed by his neverending pursuit of Veronica's or Betty's booty. In the cartoon, it was difficult to understand why Mr. Lodge (Veronica's pop) was always hassling Archie--but in the comic books? JEEEEZUS PETE! If I were Mr. Lodge, I'd spend my entire fortune ensuring that redheaded sex freak kept his jughead in his pocket and away from my daughter!!

Though Archie comics may cause too much emotional strain for some people with the Ebola virus, as for me, it stimulates my system just enough to help get me through what could quite possibly be my last day. Many of you may be wondering what you can do to alleviate my suffering. Thank you, my friends, but absolutely nothing can be done--unless you happen to be dropping by the store, in which case I would like a bag of Cheetos, the latest Archie, and a six-pack of chocolate-banana Yoo-Hoo. Thanks, sugar sugar!