If you think that my life as a TV columnist is a revolving red-velvet waterbed, you couldn't be more wrong! Along with my regular duties of glaring at the tube for 15 hours a day, I'm also forced to read the most despicable piece of literature since Mein Kampf--which, of course, is TV Guide. I hate this malodorous digest, but what are ya gonna do? It's not as if the local magazine shelf is overrun with TV magazines written by ME. Until that glorious day, I guess we'll just have to contend with this festering periodical, and its excretious contents--which includes the extra-excremental "Cheers & Jeers" section. Apparently the author of this column is retarded in a way that would make Ralph Nader look like a brain surgeon.

In my continuing quest to prove that "anything those dicks over at TV Guide can do, I can do better," here's how I would do the Cheers & Jeers column. Please note the subtle beauty of my prose, as opposed to that which oozes from the stinking, dripping cracks of my competitors.

JEERS to ABC, who took Battlestar Galactica off the air! I hate you guys! Hate you, hate you, HATE YOU!!! What? Are you guys stupid? Well, you must be! You think Everybody Loves Raymond is a better show? Well, it's not! It's a stupid show! Screw you, ABC! SCREW YOU!!!!!!!

CHEERS to all-night liquor stores! It's a scientific FACT: Nighttime is the right time for making love and getting loaded. And how am I to get laid without the proper lubricant (preferably 100 proof)? The simple fact is, I don't. So, keep that likker flowing! Remember: A horny Hump is a harried Hump (and believe me--you don't wanna see me harried).

JEERS to CAT scans! A few Sundays ago, I woke up after a binge, turned on the TV, and ALL my shows were screwed up! Instead of my favorite new cartoon, Tokyo Pig (ABC Family, 11 am), there was some dumbass Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen shit on, and it was the same way on every channel, leaving me reeling in confusion! Clearly, there was only one explanation--during the night I had suffered a stroke! (As it turned out, daylight-saving time had ended, and I had forgotten to turn my clock back, which explains why all my shows were on at the wrong time--but I didn't know that!) So like a horse's ass, I ordered a CAT scan. What a mistake! It was like being stuck in a washing machine for 45 minutes with a brain-damaged ape banging on it with a wrench! So, I come out with a headache... THIS... BIG, right? And the doctor makes some smartass crack that my brain scan appeared "vacant." So I said, "Oh yeah? Well, doctor, Heal Thyself!" and I knocked him on his caviar-eatin' country-club ass. Jesus Pete... what a day.

So, anyway... CHEERS to MY version of Cheers & Jeers and... JEERS to those lunkhead losers at TV Guide who wouldn't know good television criticism if it bit them on their soft fleshies. The way I see it, if you don't have something nice to say... then what are you waiting for? Let it rip! CHEERS!