What's up with you and this (heavy air quotations) "OSCARS" thing? I understand you need something to help pass the time, and masturbating for three straight hours might be a bit much—but the OSCARS? Seriously?

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For those in a self-induced coma, the Academy Awards is this Sunday night (ABC, 5:30 pm, red carpet 4 pm), and you'll probably be attending an "Oscars Party" in which you'll eat cheese, swirl glasses of wine while laughing haughtily, and argue vociferously over why Demián Bichir deserves an award over Jean Dujardin. I'm obviously not invited to this party because I'd spend the entire evening shooting heroin underneath my toenails and sleeping/vomiting in the crab dip.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO COME, ANYWAY. Because I hate the Academy Awards and they hate me—which is obvious because I've yet to receive one. Besides, why would any rational person give two donkey poots whether War Horse or Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is the better movie? They both suck chinchilla taint when compared to the greatest motion picture of all time—Bulletproof, starring Gary Busey (in which he calls all the bad guys "Butt Horn"). Second runner-up: Anything starring Lou Diamond Phillips.

OKAY! So now that you know what I won't be watching, here's what I sure as shit WILL be watching: the post–Academy Awards edition of Fashion Police (E!, Mon Feb 27, 10 pm). Starring Joan Rivers, Giuliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne, and George Kotsiopoulos, this panel of fashion loudmouths cruelly (and truthfully) dissect the style of every celebrity egomaniac traipsing down the red carpet. Even if you don't give a flying handshake about fancy pantsies, it's easy enough to ignore the fashion critiques of Kelly, George, and Giuliana (you should especially ignore Giuliana) and simply howl in glee at the hilariously catty one-liners squirting out of Joan Rivers's yap. Here's but a small sampling of Joan's best Fashion Police quips:

On Natalie Portman's dress at the Golden Globes: "This dress is like Jonah Hill. Even in a smaller size, it's still terrible."

On Paula Abdul: "She has no taste. With all the voices in her head, you'd think one would be a gay guy going, 'NO!!'"

On Princess Beatrice at the royal wedding: "She's so desperate to get married, but she's wearing an IUD on her head."

Again at the royal wedding, in regards to Carole Middleton: "Looks like Penny Marshall—but younger and female."

On Ryan Gosling: "I read that his greatest love is an 11-year-old dog, and in human years that's about 78. So Ryan... guess who else is 78 and also likes it doggy style?"

On Katy Perry: "Even hookers would say, 'I'll wear it, mister, but I'm charging you extra.'"

And on Nicole Kidman: "What the hell is she wearing? This is proof that Keith Urban isn't gay, because no gay man would let his wife leave the house looking like this."

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HAAAA!!! I love her so... much! In fact, the Oscars should present a special award to Joan entitled "Best performance by a septuagenarian who likes it doggy style." (If they give this one out, wake me up. I'll be asleep in the crab dip.) recommended

Follow me down the red carpet on Twitter @WmSteveHumphrey—I'm wearing Oscar de la Renta. thestranger.com