What follows are the 10 worst episodes of M*A*S*H ever:

10) Dreams (Episode 191). How to spot a lousy M*A*S*H episode? Look for "written and directed by Alan Alda." After heavy casualties, the 4077 is plagued by nightmares in an episode overrun with METAPHOR. Highlight: Hawkeye flipping out on a small boat filled with mannequin limbs, meant to symbolize every arm and leg he's ever amputated. Puh-LEEZE!

9) Hawk's Nightmare (Episode 109). When Hawkeye experiences a nervous breakdown, Dr. Sidney Freedman (the smarmy '70s pop psychologist) comes to the rescue. Sidney quickly cures Hawkeye by convincing him it's "okay" to be crazy in crazy situations. Insanity is celebrated with an "invisible" game of basketball.

8) Follies of the Living (Episode 224). Klinger is struck by fever, and chats with the ghost of a soldier who died on the operating table. Once again, over-written and over-directed by Alan Alda.

7) In Love and War (Episode 127). After Hawkeye falls for a Korean girl, she has the gall to dump him, breaking his alcohol-sodden heart. Featuring the writing and directing talents of Alan "Point the camera at ME" Alda.

6) B. J. Papa San (Episode 159). B. J. "Blowjob" Hunnicut misses the wife and kids, and obsessively assists a local Korean family. Hawkeye saves the day, convincing B. J. to drink more, and think less.

5) Comrades in Arms (Episodes 132, 133). Double your horror! This two-part tribute to Alan Alda (coincidentally written and directed by Alan Alda) allows Hawkeye to ram his tongue down the throat of Hot Lips "Blowjob" Houlihan. As bombs rain down, the two alternately grope each other and scream at no one in particular.

4) Dear Sis (Episode 158). Nothing ruins Christmas like a depressing Father Mulcahy episode (except perhaps one helmed by Alan Alda). In another tiresome show where a character writes a letter home, the Padre confesses how pathetic and ineffective he is. No one disagrees.

3) Hawkeye (Episode 90). Hawkeye bloodies his noggin after crashing his jeep, and proceeds to babble a nauseating 20-minute monologue about war, family, and maimed babies to a Korean family, who--luckily for them--cannot understand English.

2) Dear Sigmund (Episode 103). A multilayered horror, written and directed by Alan Alda, featuring Dr. Sidney in the "letter to home" format. To cheer himself up, Depressed Sidney writes a letter filled with wacky hi jinks to his dead hero, Sigmund Freud.

1) Goodbye, Farewell and Amen (Episode 251). M*A*S*H ends its 11-season run by shoveling every possible cliché into one huge steaming pile. Hawkeye goes psychotic AGAIN, forcing a visit from (oh, joy) Dr. Sidney. Klinger suppresses his homosexuality AGAIN by getting married, and Father Mulcahy unfortunately misses being killed AGAIN. Written and directed by Alan "I've done all the damage I possibly can" Alda. Goodbye, farewell, and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.