Frederick Esposito writes, "Dear Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me: WHY DO YOU LIE? I was under the impression that columnists for major newspapers were supposed to tell the truth, yet I consistently find your writing riddled with LIES. Can you tell me why you LIE, please? Without LYING?"

Well! It seems Mr. Esposito has put me in quite a prickly position! As he correctly states, "columnists for major newspapers" are supposed to tell the truth. However! I am a television columnist for a shitty little rag that built its meager fortune on spreading malignant gossip, slanderous libel, and most importantly, LIES--therefore, why should I begin telling the truth now?

Truth be known, lying has worked great for me so far. In fact, I lied to get this job! I clearly remember the day when my boss announced to the office, "In order to sell over-priced ads to local TV stations, we need a television column. Are any of you television experts?" I immediately leapt to my feet, and announced with unwavering certainty, "Yes! I'm an expert, and can destroy anyone in this room within the arena of television knowledge!"

Now, that wasn't a complete lie. While I couldn't tell you the name of Fred Flintstone's next-door neighbor, I still knew a hell of a lot more than those dope-huffing hippies I worked with--and so I got the job, and the rest is television history.

But here's my point! Sometimes lies are necessary. If I hadn't lied to get this job, then who would Frederick Esposito accuse of being a liar? NOBODY, that's who! And here's another example! This coming Monday, January 6, on Fox at 9 pm, a new reality show is debuting that's built entirely on lies. It's called Joe Millionaire, and this is how it works: Twenty luscious, available women are flown to a chateau in France to meet 28-year-old Evan Marriott, who is not only built like a brick craphouse, but also just inherited 50 million smackers. The 20 gals wiggle around in an attempt to woo the hunky millionaire, and are eliminated one at a time, until there's only a single gold digger left. Then the lucky bachelorette and Richie Rich live happily ever after, right? WRONG!!

As it turns out, Marriott isn't a millionaire at all, but a regular Joe Schmoe who works at a construction site and only earns $19,000 per year! In actuality, Fox has dreamed up an elaborate parody of The Bachelor where the contestants never realize their prince is really a pauper until the seventh and last episode.

Now. Can this lie be considered cruel and unusual punishment for the contestants? YES. Does that make it any less funny or enjoyable to watch? NO. And that's because lies are "okay" when they expose injustice (like 20 gold diggers trying to snag a millionaire), or make you laugh with malicious glee (like when 20 gold diggers realize they've been duped on national television).

And while the lies I print in this column on a weekly basis neither expose injustice nor make you laugh with malicious glee, they are nevertheless extremely necessary. My lies insure that I will always stay employed, and if I'm working here, that means I won't be working for the federal government. And would you rather have a liar like me working for you or against you? I rest my case.