What's that? You've never been on TV before?!? Ha... HA, HA, HA, HA, HAWWWWWW! Ahhhhh... HAW! Ah HAW! Ah HAW!!! Stop it! You're killing me! Haaaaaaa, haaaaaa, huh? Oh my god. You're serious aren't you? Wow. I'm so sorry. I just figured... I mean, well, I thought everybody had been on TV at least once. I've been on TV so often, I can't even remember my first time. Oh... wait. I remember. It was an episode of Cops! I'm sure you've seen it! I was the drunk guy stumbling around without a shirt on!

Well, that settles it then. We've just got to get you on television! And thanks to the advent of "the reality series," it's easier than ever to make an ass out of yourself in front of a nationwide audience. Plus, as it turns out, there are about 50 billion new reality shows coming up, which means it'll be a cinch matching you up with the show best suited for your particular lack of talent. For example....

Are You a Slut? If you answered "yes" to this question, then you should dial up www.mtv.com/onair/castingcall and audition for a show MTV is doing about high school and college sluts! Oh... waitasecond. They're only interested in hearing from girls (crap!), and the special is actually about people who have been unfairly labeled as "sluts." GOD! Who wants to watch that?!

Are You a Wealthy Sadist? You are? Then check out www.abc.abcnews.go.com and click on "casting." There you'll find info about a brand-new show called The Will, in which YOU (as a wealthy matriarch or patriarch of a spoiled-rotten family) will make your children and relatives compete in humiliating games in order to win your hard-earned cash! See? If Bush Jr. had competed in a game like this, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now!

Are You a Desperate Single Person? Well, you're in luck! You can now be forced into a soul-crushing, loveless marriage by a nation of careless, vengeful television viewers. The show is called Married by America, and if you're chosen (www.marriedbyamerica.com), your future is all taken care of, because your perfect mate will be handpicked by the residents of the most desensitized country on the globe! (AKA, the same people who watch CSI: Miami and The O'Reilly Factor.... Hey! Beggars can't be choosers!)

Are You a Desperate Married Person? Now you can spice up that soul-crushing, loveless marriage by exposing your dirtiest sexual secrets under hypnotism! Playboy TV is coming out with the subtly titled Hypnosex (e-mail: casting@playboy.com), wherein couples are hypnotized, and then ask each other questions like, "How come you don't pork me in the bottom hole with your strap-on no more?"

And finally... Are You So Desperate for Fame That You'd Accept a Role in a Joel Silver Action Movie? Well, if you are, then go to www.nbc.com/contestant to find out about the new show Next Action Star. A receding hairline and IQ of 87 or lower are required.

Or... you can just strip off your top, get drunk, and join me on the next episode of Cops! C'mon!! Let's Do It!!