You know what burns my beans? It's this stoopid WAR. But it's not the war as much as it is the stoopid things people are doing around the war. For example, I'd like to go 10 minutes without some warmonger or protester stridently reminding me to "SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!" The way I see it, I'm already supporting the troops--by paying my goddamn TAXES. Is there something else I should be doing? Sending the troops an FTD Spring Bouquet?

Don't get me wrong; I like the troops. They seem like fine young men and women with a healthy attitude toward killing people. What I don't like is the "secret code" being used by those telling me to "SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!" Because these people don't really mean "SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!" They mean, "DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE TROOPS!!" And I'm sorry, but the last I heard, this is still America, I can still say whatever I want, and those ridiculous haircuts being worn by the troops have got to go!

REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #1: AARON BROWN, CNN ANCHOR. Excuse me, but who did he blow to get this job? He's awful! I remember him as the lead anchor during the presidential elections, drooling all over George Bush as if he were Colin Farrell in a Speedo. Now they're letting this stammering, sweaty, four-eyed nerd do war coverage, which is like asking Richard Simmons to cover the Super Bowl.

REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #2: "EMBEDDED" REPORTERS. First of all, that sounds dirty. If you really want to "SUPPORT THE TROOPS!!" then calling the reporters something less fruity than "embedded" might be a step in the right direction. Secondly, if you have time to run around asking soldiers how they're "feeling," you have time to blow the skullcap off a member of the Republican Guard, or volunteer to search for landmines. Make yourself useful, for the love of Christ.

REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #3: "EXPELLED" REPORTERS. Even more annoying than "embedded" reporters! Oh, sure... it takes a lot of guts to speak out against Saddam Hussein and get tossed out of the country. Where were those guts when Bush was in the White House briefing room, showing off "satellite images of chemical weapons plants" that he drew with crayons on butcher paper?

REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #4: REPORTERS WEARING GAS MASKS. You look stupid and you're scaring the kids. REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #5: VIDEO PHONES. They don't work. Stop pretending they do. REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #6: FOX NEWS NETWORK. We all know you're pro-war. Can you maybe stop tossing the confetti? And finally... REALLY ANNOYING THING ABOUT THE WAR #7: JOSHUA GRACIN, THE SINGING MARINE FROM AMERICAN IDOL. I'm sorry, but this "supporting the troops" thing has got to stop somewhere.