You want ME to calm down?!? Well, I want YOU to calm down!! Look. I know I've been a little stressed out lately—but you'd be, too, if you were starting your own at-home pharmaceutical business. (Did you seriously think that writing this stupid TV column pays my bills? HA!! Amateur pharmaceuticology pays my bills!) Anyway, while being an entrepreneur can make one tense, I've come up with a product that will not only make me kazillions of dollars, but will also cure my low-grade nervous psychosis—and it's called "Touch of Valium."
THINK ABOUT IT. Unless you take Valium all the time, why don't you take Valium all the time? Because you know you'll get addicted and become an insane Valium addict who gives random back-alley humjobs in order to get your daily fix, amirite? Besides, I don't want to calm down a lot—I want to calm down a "touch." Hence, Touch of Valium!
How is this miracle drug manufactured? Under the strictest guidelines for quality! Basically, I take one Valium pill, cut it into 10 separate pieces, and plop 'em in a bottle. Then I sell the bottles for $30 each. You take one of these one-tenth Valium pills, you calm down a "touch," and voilà! You've been touched by Valium! And now you can go about your life in a calm, orderly fashion, giving away humjobs only if the money is right. Oh. And I make a kazillion dollars. THE END.
Now, there are those—primarily so-called "know-it-alls" from the FDA—who say my plan will "never work" and is potentially... oh, how'd they put it... "illegal." To that I say, "BULL PLOP." If common mouthwash can be 10 percent alcohol, then why can't I sell 10 percent Valium pills over the counter? ANSWER: I can and I will. Next question.
Here's one from frequent I Love Television™ reader Reggie Hardwick. "Umm... are you ever going to actually talk about television?" I AM TALKING ABOUT TELEVISION, SYPHILIS LIP! Because what is the greatest amateur pharmaceuticologist show on TV today? Breaking Bad, of course, which returns for its fifth and final season this Sunday, July 15, at 10 p.m. on AMC!
As you know, Breaking Bad tells the story of Walter White (played to perfection by Bryan Cranston), a former great chemist turned failed high-school teacher who gets cancer and turns to meth production to support his family. Like my Touch of Valium, his meth is the bomb-diggy-diggy, which attracts all sorts of drug runners and kingpins who eventually try to get his formula and murder the shit out of him. This is why Walt has been forced to betray his morals over the past four seasons to stay alive—and in season five? He's poised to become the absolute king and dictator of all pharmaceuticological pursuits in America! BWAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!
Seriously, Breaking Bad is hands down the best show on TV today, and if you're missing it? No wonder you're tense. Have 2, or 3, or 10 Touch of Valiums. (Coming soon: Touch of Xanax, Touch of Viagra, Touch of Ambien, Touch of OxyContin, and Touch of Cocaine. In a convenience store near you!)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 11
9:00 FAM BEVERLY HILLS NANNIES
Debut! Nannies respond to rich employers’ impossible demands in this potentially hilarious new reality series.
THURSDAY, JULY 12
9:00 CBS BIG BROTHER
Season premiere! The 14th season of this mind-numbingly awful show begins. Enjoy!
10:30 FX LOUIE
Louie takes a trip to Miami—which he discovers is pretty different from NYC.
FRIDAY, JULY 13
4:00 SPIKE COMIC-CON ALL ACCESS LIVE
Three hours of live coverage of the San Diego Comic-Con, which THANK GOD I will never have to attend.
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
This week guest-starring the completely dreamboat-y Paul Rudd! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
SATURDAY, JULY 14
9:00 SYFY TRUE BLOODTHIRST—Movie
(2012) Humans and vampires (who drink synthetic blood) have an uneasy coexistence. (Hmmm… this sounds somewhat familiar…)
SUNDAY, JULY 15
10:00 USA POLITICAL ANIMALS
Debut! Sigourney Weaver stars as the secretary of state, whose former-president husband cheated on her. (Hmmm… this sounds somewhat familiar…)
11:30 TOON BLACK DYNAMITE
Debut! Based on the blaxploitation flick of the same name, here’s the animated version, which is SO AWESOME.
MONDAY, JULY 16
6:30 SHO CAROL CHANNING: LARGER THAN LIFE
A documentary about the simply fabulous Broadway and film actress and singer.
8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR
An easy night for the contestants, as they only have to eat 10 leeches and climb a building engulfed in flames.
TUESDAY, JULY 17
9:00 LIF DANCE MOMS
When an episode of the already terrifying Dance Moms is titled “Worst Birthday Party Ever,” I think we should believe them.
9:30 ABC TRUST US WITH YOUR LIFE
Scenes from Ricky Gervais’s life are acted out by cruel (but funny) improv comedians.
The FDA follows me on Twitter… why don’t you? @WmSteveHumphrey