Strippers Like Me

Strippers and dogs; they both like me. Why? Who knows? But I've never had a bad experience with a stripper or a dog. Wait. That's not true. When I was 10, a wiener dog bit a one-inch chunk out of my leg. That's bullshit, man. But anyway, all dogs like me except wiener dogs, and I hate them too, so it's no big whoop. But strippers? Holy mother of god do they looooooooove me!!

Here's a true story. Reno, Nevada. Armwrestling Championship, 1999. I placed second in my weight class--and I've got the goddam trophy to prove it!!! After losing 175 bucks in five minutes at the blackjack table, my buddy Ricky and I decide to try our luck at one of the local strip joints. Though I was momentarily abstaining, Ricky was receiving a rather exuberant lap dance from a stripper named Sapphire. "So what do you boys do for a living?" Sapphire asked, making with the requisite I-don't-really- give-a-crap chitty-chat. When I said I write a TV column, she immediately ground to a halt. "What TV column?" she asked. "Errrr... I Love Television™?" I squeaked.

"OMIGOD!" Sapphire screamed. "You've just got to meet PUSSY!!"

Then bang, zoom, in a flash Sapphire was off my pal's lap and dragging me down the hallway, leaving the protesting Ricky in the dust. Squeezing ourselves into a phone booth, Sapphire began dialing, saying over and over, "Pussy is just going to flip!" Then after a moment, she had Pussy on the other line. "Pussy, you working tonight?" she asked. (Shockingly, Pussy was a stripper, too.) "Guess who I've got in the phone booth with me. The 'I Love TV' guy!" I heard a muffled "Eeeeeeeeeeeeee!" coming from the receiver.

Anyway, to make a long (but absolutely TRUE) story short, Pussy invited me to drop by and watch her dance at the Tomkat Klub, but since I was flying out in a couple of hours, it was never meant to be. BUT HERE'S MY POINT! In the history of humankind, there has NEVER been an instance where a TV columnist was introduced to a stripper, and the stripper screamed, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Which proves my original thesis: All strippers love me.

And while there are no shows about dogs debuting this week on television, one may want to take a flippy-trip to the newly named Spike channel (formerly TNN) to catch their new curvaceous animated show, Stripperella (Thursdays, 11 pm). Created by former Marvel Comics whiz-bang turned dirty ol' geezer Stan Lee, this adults-only cartoon features the busty superheroine Stripperella (voiced by Pamela Anderson, no less) as she bounces around town kicking the shit out of villains. One such baddie is Queen Clitoris, who it is said should never be "rubbed the wrong way." HA! Hmmmmm... in retrospect, that's not very funny, is it?

But hey! Funny or not, let's give it a shot, shall we? After all, with all the love that strippers show the Hump, the Hump oughta be giving some back, right? So give a tip o' the hat AND the wallet to your local stripper, and if you're ever in Reno give Pussy a big ol' kiss--but if you don't want a kick in the cooter, you better tell her it's from the Hump.