KNOW WHAT? THE SEATTLE TIMES thinks they're hot snot on china... but really they're just a cold booger on a paper plate! More on that in a moment--but first, it's time for our Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Finale Update™. As you are probably aware, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Tuesdays, WB network, 8:00 p.m.) is the best goddamn show in the universe because (a) it's funny, (b) it's scary, and (c) its star, Sarah Michelle Gellar, is one hella kung-fu hotty. However, when the WB network decided to postpone the season finale because of a rash of true-life high school violence, it burned my bottom straight through the Underoos. Though WB claims to have their teen viewers' best interests at heart, it's hard to ignore the mounds of publicity they obtained by taking the prissy-pot moral high road on this issue.

And though I could've eeeeeeasily (oh! so easily) downloaded a pirated version of the final episode from the Internet to watch--I refused. Not because I have respect for copyright laws or those pricks at the WB, but because I finally just decided it would be more fun to wait. Watching TV is all about playing hi-diddle-diddle with your fiddle while waiting for your favorite show to come on, so if I have to sweat out a few extra weeks, what's the big whoop? To me, Buffy's worth it. Besides, the wait is almost over! The season's final episode (where she and her graduating class blow the freaking head off a sixty-foot demon snake) will air this Tuesday the 13th, at 8:00 p.m. (Okay, so maybe it's not Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was too dumb to dream up a bunch of high school seniors decapitating a snake, anyway.)

Now... where was I? Oh yeah! The Seattle Times thinks they're hot snot on china, but really they're just a cold booger yadda-yadda-yadda. And the reason they think they're all great is because they have an "info line" you can call to get updates on all the soap operas. Well, whoopdy-fawking-doo! Aren't we just King Friday the XIII! And you know all those Times jackasses are just hanging around the snack machine, snickering into their filthy hands about how "poor Wm.™ Steven Humphrey" can't afford to have a soap opera update line, because "poor Wm.™ Steven Humphrey" works for a shitty weekly paper, and he's "too poor! Oh, ha, ha! Ha, ha, haaaaaa!"

Well, SCREW YOU, Seattle Times! You may have all the money in the world, but I've listened to your stupid soap opera update line, and it sucks dead hippo dick! After dialing the number (464-2000) and punching in what I thought was the extension for The X-Files (#6021... and by the way, last time I checked, The X-Files wasn't a soap opera, doorknobs!), it gave me the details for last week's Dawson's Creek! And I HATE Dawson's Creek! " I punched in #6009 and got Ally McBeal (also not a soap, ding-dongs!). Finally, I completely panicked and after hitting #5001, some asshole banker tried to trick me into a 30-year fixed mortgage rate (which is not only NOT a soap opera, but I don't even own a freakin' HOUSE, you goddamn milky-lickers!).

Anyhoo, I stormed into my publisher's office, and DEMANDED my own TV Update line, and he said, "Fine, if you pay for it." And I said, "FINE, I WILL!" not knowing these multi-tasking lines cost thousands of dollars. However, what Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me wants, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me gets, and I ended up "borrowing" a voice-mail line from some coke-head in sales who's in rehab for another week--so now I've got my OWN TV Update line! And here's how it works: call 323-7101 (after 6:00 p.m. ONLY please!) and punch in extension #3099. Then, depending on what day it is, you can hear accurate and wiseass descriptions of shows from the night before! And it will be fifty bajillion times better than The Seattle Times' info line because, as stated earlier, their descriptions SUCK and mine DON'T. So don't delay! Call today! (Offer is good until July 14, or earlier if that coke-head shows back up to work!)