America: Why I Love Her

Every year on July 4, I take a break from the rigors of "television journalism" to expound on the great country whence I was born and inseminated. It's an opportunity to remember all the things that make America the greatest nation on Earth--like rubber-burning drag strips where hot-pants-wearing mamas flounce their bazooms in terry-cloth tube tops, and, of course, our God-given right to vote our conscience on election day (which is especially gratifying when jerks like Clay Aiken LOSE).

HOWEVER! There are two things that would befoul my annual "America: Why I Love Her" column, and they are: (1) unpatriotic editors who insist I mention "something... ANYTHING about television," and (2) a certain president of the United States who has taken my super-patriotic mood and blown all over it with his ass cheeks.

One of these concerns is easily solved. HEY EVERYBODY! Be sure to watch Cupid, Wednesday at 10:00 p.m. on CBS! Created by England's favorite prick (American Idol's Simon Cowell), this reality dating show involves a girl and her two catty best friends traveling the USA looking for "Mr. Right." After thinning the pack down to 10 eligible hunks, Americans (like you!) vote away the boneheads until there's only one dreamboat left. And if the happy couple stays together for a year, they get ONE MILLION SMACKERS! (God knows I've stayed in doomed relationships for longer than that, and all I got was a stubborn case of syphilis.) That's Cupid, coming to CBS on Wednesdays!

Now, on to the second concern. Thanks to our president and his obsession with bombing the crap out of a country that can't manufacture a decent pop song, much less "weapons of mass destruction," I'm having a little trouble whipping up my usual patriotic fervor. And I've tried everything! Drinking a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, launching a battery of bottle rockets at groups of longhaired hippies--I even had sex with a Rooskie. (Hey! The "cold" war is over, baby!) And still... nothing. My patriotism has gone all floppy!

But I will be goddamned if I'm gonna let those jerkos in Washington ruin my favorite holiday of the year! And the one surefire way of combating their brand of "patriotism" is to become a SUPER-PATRIOT. And that means celebrating the really fun freedoms that the Bush administration hates... like sodomy. And likker. And nude go-go dancing. And gun-shooting. And playing loud rock 'n' roll music. And fellating a corn dog. And worshiping really weird religions like witchcraft, voodoo, and Mormonism. And wearing tight T-shirts that say "Kiss My Ass!" And wearing tight miniskirts that say "Kiss My Ass!" And popping wheelies on motorcycles. And buying Dixie Chicks records. And making obscene art, music, and gestures. And peeing where you shouldn't pee. And sticking your thing in places where it shouldn't be stuck. And licking those things that shouldn't be licked. And taking patriotism back from those flag-waving bottom-holes who place "making a buck" before what's best for our country.

And by the way, it is your country. So let freedom--OUR kind of freedom--forever fawking ring.