So here's my great idea for a horror film: Two teenagers are at summer camp, sneaking off to have sex—OF COURSE. Just when they're about to take a ride on the wild baloney pony, they hear a rustling in the dark. "Caitlyn, the nosy bitch camp counselor? Is that you?" OH, NO! It's not Caitlyn! Another rustle... and then... SQUEEEEEEEEE! Oh. False alarm. It's just a cute squirrel foraging for a nut. Phew! But then... SQUEEEEEEEEE! It's an army of werewolf zombie vampire mummies—which, c'mon... is pretty terrible! But do you know what's most terrible? (Pause.) (Pause.) (Pause.) They all have Honey Boo Boo's FACE!!
Wait. Let me amend that. They all have the faces of various TLC celebrities!
Sure, there's Honey Boo Boo, but there's also Kate Gosselin (Jon & Kate Plus 8), toddlers wearing tiaras (Toddlers & Tiaras), unattractive polygamists (Sister Wives), and Sarah Palin (Sarah Palin's Alaska), as well as various hoarders, women who didn't know they were pregnant, people who eat sandpaper, AND Abby and Brittany—just because they have two heads on one body doesn't make them monsters. They're just different... okay?! YOU'RE the monster!
Anyway... SQUEEEEEEEEE! Right? Wait. On second thought, maybe I won't have the monsters come in at all, and the movie can just be about hot teens having sex. I'll make more money that way. Or spend more time in prison? GAHHH! So many decisions! Look, I'll think about that, and you take a look at the scare-ific shows belching from your TV this week. Such as...
• Mockingbird Lane (NBC, Fri Oct 26, 8 pm). Here's the pilot episode/reboot of the mid-'60s sitcom classic The Munsters—which stars Jerry O'Connell (Sliders) as Herman Munster, Eddie Izzard (The Riches) as Grandpa, and Portia de Rossi (Arrested Development and Ellen DeGeneres's spouse who wears terrible-looking slacks) as Lily. If it gets a good response, NBC may pick it up for a full season of episodes—if not, they'll probably do so anyway and slowly torture it to death like they did with Community, because they are sick, sadistic bastards.
• Rise of the Zombies (Syfy, Sat Oct 27, 9 pm). This TV movie was originally titled Dead Walking—I wonder why they changed it? I mean, other than getting their pants sued off by the creators of The Walking Dead? Anyway! Survivors of yet another zombie plague (sheesh! Third one this year!) rush around trying to find the scientist who can save them. Starring Danny "Machete" Trejo (SQUEEEEEEEEE!), French "3rd Rock from the Sun" Stewart (kinda SQUEEEEEEEEE!), and LeVar "Mothereffin' Reading Rainbow Geordi La Forge" Burton (legitimate SQUEEEEEEEEE!).
• The Venture Bros.: A Very Venture Halloween (Adult Swim, Sun Oct 28, 11:30 pm). The always hilarious Venture Bros. (a brilliant parody of the old Jonny Quest cartoon) returns with a spooky-dooky Halloween special, promising a very terrifying situation indeed for Hank, Dean, Dr. Venture, and insanely macho bodyguard Brock Samson. There are no further details at this time, so let's assume Brock will be having sex with someone, only to be interrupted by a knife-wielding, two-headed Abby and Brittany. What? WHY WOULD YOU THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT? Omigod, you're a MONSTER.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24
8:00 CW ARROW
Oliver butts heads with an assassin named “Deadshot”—who apparently thinks he’s prrrretty great.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
An exorcist visits Briarcliff Asylum—I bet he’ll have his work cut out for him!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25
9:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION
Ron gets upset when Andy goes trick-or-treating dressed as Ron’s mustache.
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
The gang crashes Maureen’s wedding, only to find everyone’s been brutally murdered. Whoops.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick and Hank suspect a recent spate of child abductions are linked to the legend of a kid-hating Mexican monster.
10:00 E! FASHION POLICE
The always-scary Joan Rivers gets even more horrifying in this special Halloween edition.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27
9:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
This week featuring comedian Lewis Black, who actually screamed his ghost away.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28
9:00 SHO DEXTER
Someone else has committed a murder on Dexter’s murder boat. That’s… just… rude.
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Michonne meets a new group of survivors who don’t appreciate her skin color or her jawless zombie pals.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 29
7:30 SYFY SCARE TACTICS
Season premiere! A chemical spill turns Brooke Hogan into a zombie… which actually explains a lot.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30
8:30 FOX BEN AND KATE
BJ helps Kate find an inappropriate costume for Halloween. Helloooo, Sexy Herpes Sore!
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
Jess is hired to portray a zombie in a haunted house, or as they refer to her, “The Walking Nerd.”
SQUEEEEE me @WmSteveHumphrey