I give a lot of advice—and it's in your best interest to TAKE IT! For example: Tricking people into sleeping with you. Perhaps you believe you don't need to "trick people" into sexual relationships, and that your looks and sparkling personality will get the job done. If you want to believe this self-deception, that is your right. Me? I'M USING ALMOST ANY MEANS NECESSARY—short of physical disrespect and emptying my checking account—to bag as much bootay as possible in whatever time I have left.
That's why it's a good idea to use Valentine's Day to your advantage. It's a time when emotions run high and trickery can be easily implemented. For example: Buy a box of those dumb-ass kids' valentines from the drug store. It doesn't matter what kind—Spider-Man, Strawberry Shortcake, NASCAR, SpongeBob SquareDick, who gives a frak? Write tasteful, erotic poetry on the back of each one, and then deliver them to everyone you'd like to poke. Each box contains around 30 cards, and if my erotic poetry works its usual magic, I will have tapped somewhere around 14 booties. (Individual results—and sexual-harassment lawsuits—may vary.)
HOWEVER! Lest you think of me solely as a cynical, perverted (and yet somehow strangely attractive) creep, I also send valentines to people and booties I don't necessarily plan to tap. For example...
• www.bauercount.com—If you are a fan of the awesome show 24 (Fox, Mon 9 pm), then you'll love this site, which documents every single person agent Jack Bauer has killed in the past six seasons. PLUS the object he used to kill them, AND video documentation of each kill! It's a great place to catch up with Jack's greatest "hits"—especially the one from this season where he chews the jugular out of that terrorist's neck! EWWWW! (And... yay!)
• www.tvinjapan.com—This great website brings us the weirdest TV shows from Japan! Where else are you going to see Japanese girls in bikinis trying to climb a greased pole? Where else will you see chimpanzees delivering the news? And where else will you see giant robots destroying cities or demonstrating aerobics? I heart you, TV in Japan!
• The Sarah Silverman Program (Comedy Central, Thurs 10:30 pm)—You've seen her stand-up act, you've seen her in Jesus Is Magic... now see America's favorite potty-mouthed Jewess in her brand-new sitcom! TSSP goes for the same naturalistic tone as Curb Your Enthusiasm—except occasionally Sarah will break out in song, critique her sister's genitalia, or have sex with God. It's dirty, nasty, and very funny—and if she wasn't dating porky talk-show host Jimmy Kimmel, I would send her an entire box of erotic drug-store valentines. (Hmmm... maybe I can trick her into thinking I'm Jimmy Kimmel?)
Thursday, February 8
Debut! The castaways are surprised by their very comfortable beds—which are filled with angry bees!
Friday, February 9
SCI FISPECIAL UNIT 2
Nerd alert! Check out this new series about a gang of futuristic cops battling paranormal creepazoids.
Saturday, February 10
ABCA CHARLIE BROWN VALENTINE
Charlie's crushed when the Little Red-Haired Girl makes out with Pigpen. Sorry, Chuck, chicks dig dirty guys.
Sunday, February 11
Justin Timberlake performs (eeeee!) along with a reunion of the Police (zzzzz!).
The ship fights off an epidemic after picking up a bunch of refugees. Moral: Never do anything nice.
Monday, February 12
Tonight, it's two back-to-back hours of Jack Bauer biting the jugulars out of terrorists.
Hiro and Ando find the mystic sword in Las Vegas—and then lose it at the roulette table.
Tuesday, February 13
It's round one for the dozens of finalists in Hollywood. Wake me when we get to the final four.
Wednesday, February 14
Todd Oldham gives the contestants their toughest challenge yet: Redesign a truck-stop bathroom.
Hurley and Charlie spend Valentine's Day torturing one of the Others. (C'mon... they like it!)
Send all erotic valentines to... firstname.lastname@example.org