Okay, I'm really busy today, got a lot of things to do, so let's make this quick. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no longer my favorite show. I'm sorry, it's just the way I feel. And not because I'm a homophobe.... Wait... I don't think it's because I'm a homophobe. I'm not sure.
Listen and tell me if this sounds homophobic to you: Ever since QEFSG became a national phenomenon--the huge ratings, the guest appearances on Jay Leno, the networks producing copycat gay shows--I cannot seem to go anywhere without getting "queer eyed." It's TRUE. I'm walking down the street, minding my own goddamn business, when suddenly a roving gang of gays comes out of nowhere and starts giving me fashion advice!
"Oh my god. I can't believe you're wearing that belt." "Honey, your hair is a fright! Did you fall asleep under a lawn mower?" "After seeing those pants, I have only one bit of advice: The homeless shelter is that way."
I mean, who do these queers think they are?!? And it's not like these gays are experts either! I know for a FACT one of those fags works at TARGET! I'm telling you, this Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has created a nation of know-it-all buttinsky homos, AND I COULD NOT BE LESS PLEASED.
Anyway, I could go on but as stated earlier, I'm extremely busy and have no time for jibber-jabber. Therefore I'll end with three pertinent points: (a) I'm not a homophobe, (b) those Carson Kressley wannabes should mind their own beeswax, and (c) the next gay who "queer eyes" me is going to get a brand-new Manolo Blahnik up his ASS.
That being said, it is now my privilege to inform you that Queer Eye has been replaced as my favorite show by... (drum roll please)... The O.C. (cymbal crash)! Why? I'll tell you in a fairly abbreviated form because frankly I'm too busy to research the topic. Ever since Beverly Hills, 90210 went off the air I've been looking for a new fave teen drama (and don't you dare suggest Dawson's Crack--I hate that melon-headed fuck). You see, I have little use for teen dramas that document the woes of the "lower class." I yearn for the high-octane dramatic tension that can only come from the likes of rich, entitled teenage pricks.
Short for "Orange County," The O.C. (Tuesdays, 9 pm, Fox) tells the story of Ryan, a troubled kid who ends up living in an upper-crust beachside community. Ryan is kind of like Dylan from 90210 without the hair plugs, and is constantly shooting pained, brooding glances as if someone stuck an electric eggbeater up his butt. Marissa is the "Brenda" (except a lot drippier), and Seth is the best friend who's like 90210's David... except mucho mas retardo. But my favorite is Summer, who's even sluttier than Kelly, spending most of her time walking around in nothing but panties and a push-up bra. YAHHH, Mommy!
Anyhoo, The O.C. is chock full of sex, violence, drugs, push-up bras--all the things I love most about today's youth. And best of all? They don't come up to me on the street and insult my new mesh shirt! (What are these gays griping about, anyway? I bought it from the International Male catalog!)
