Guys! I'm on vacation this week, so please enjoy this antique edition of I Love Television™ in which I attempt, and fail, to say something of value. HAPPY HOLIDAYS! —Humpy
1. Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I'm talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (available on DVD and permanently seared into your brain). All the characters in these Rankin/Bass productions are tiny walking nightmares, whose mouths refuse to move at the proper speed and who jerk around like they have epilepsy. Christmas is a time to be thinking about GETTING PRESENTS, YO! Not flopping around on the ground while a total stranger tries to shove his wallet in your mouth.
NEEDED CORRECTION: Rankin/Bass should've used CGI... like they did in Avatar! If James Cameron had directed this, Rudolph would've been 100 percent realistic—though probably blue, and having "tail linked to beard" sex with Santa.
2. Santa is kind of a dick. The moment Santa discovers young Rudolph's glowing nose, the animal is immediately banned from pulling the sleigh—and any subsequent reindeer games! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION, Y'ALL! Then when the elves try to cheer Santa up by singing a kick-ass choral version of "We Are Santa's Elves," his only response is "Needs some work." You know what else needs some work, Santa? Your goddamn attitude! You treat those elves like they're suicidal 11-year-olds working at a Chinese iPhone factory! SOMEBODY CALL A LAWYER! Elves are a protected class, bitch!
NEEDED CORRECTION: Santa should be nicer.
3. Dentists are not necessarily homosexuals. A lot of them are, for sure. Probably 85 percent. However, directly equating dentistry with homosexuality—as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer clearly does with the character of "Hermey the Misfit Elf"—does a disservice to gay people by making straight people not want to try super fun gay things. Because nobody likes the dentist, right? Except for me. Sometimes when I'm getting my teeth cleaned, I get a liiiittle biiiitty boner.
NEEDED CORRECTION: I don't know... maybe I can masturbate before going to the dentist?
4. The Abominable Snow Monster of the North totally has Justin Bieber's haircut. IT'S TRUE! Check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.
NEEDED CORRECTION: Ugh! Every acne-pocked teen in America is wearing "the Beeb." If the Abominable Snow Monster insists on stealing someone else's hairdo, maybe he should go with a "high-top fade" like Kid 'n Play wore in House Party. THAT'S PHRESH!
5. The Island of Misfit Toys residents need their own show. Those characters—including "Charlie in the Box," the "Bird Fish" (a bird that swims like a fish), and that bizarre winged lion "King Moonracer"—are way too disturbing to be in a kids' Christmas special.
NEEDED CORRECTION: These misfits should all star in a brand-new version of Lost. OMIGOD, I'M SO BRILLIANT! Here's the plot: Santa's sleigh crashes on a deserted island, where he's instantly killed, leaving a bunch of stranded effed-up toys to make a brand-new life for themselves! Unfortunately, the toys are constantly under attack from an abominable (smoke) monster and a group of homosexual dentists called "The Others." AND JUSTIN BIEBER GUEST STARS!!!
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19
8:00 NBC THE MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT
Stop entering this and it won’t exist!! (Can someone translate that for me?)
10:00 TLC CHEER PERFECTION
Debut! A new reality show about a cheerleader trainer, brought to you by the Honey Boo Boo people. RUN!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20
9:00 HIS 2012: THE END IS NOW
A show examining how people are preparing for… the end of the world tomorrow?!?
10:00 FX IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season finale! Frank and Dennis take each other to court over a bowl of cereal.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21
7:00 BBCA THE BRIT LIST
Tonight featuring the best Doctor Who lists—including best moments, monsters, and sidekicks.
9:00 TRU KILLER KARAOKE
A man sings “Ramblin’ Man” while immersed in a tank full of snakes. YESSSSSSSSS.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 22
8:00 FOX COPS
In this holiday themed episode titled “Ho! Ho! Ho!”—wait. It’s actually just about prostitution. BOOOOO!!!
8:00 NBC MR. MAGOO’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
The 1962 animated version of the Dickens classic—and you know what? Still the BEST!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) Governess Maria uses a bunch of singing kids to outwit the Nazis. OMG, those guys were gullible!!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 24
8:00 NBC IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie
(1946) “Merry Christmas, George… IN JAIL! HAW! HAW! HAWWWWW!” (Best line reading ever.)
8:00 IFC TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET
Yay! All the Trapped in the Closet episodes! Spend Xmas with R. Kelly!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
The Doctor travels back to 1982 to fight… Frosty the Snowman? (Pro tip: Steal his hat!)
My Twitter account “Needs some work.” @WmSteveHumphrey