IF YOU ASK ME (AND PRETEND FOR A sec you did), Christians in this country need to experiment with a little thing I like to call, "shutting their goddam pieholes." Why are their organizations the only ones who stick their turned-up noses into everybody's bungy? The Jews don't do it! The NRA doesn't do it! Even the Britney Spears fan club (of which I am a charter member) doesn't do it! And you know what? CHRIST DIDN'T DO IT, EITHER! And still, these snooty patooties always have to put in their two cents about what I sip, sniff, or suck!

Example! Our local PBS affiliate, Channel 9, recently aired a show called "It's Elementary," a documentary about how some educators are teaching kids tolerance toward our friends who are all gay-like. This was a good idea. However, what wasn't such a good idea was inviting some Christian dunderheads to come on afterward, show their own little video, and then issue an anti-homo rebuttal. Now I've got no problem with allowing assholes to air their personal hang-ups to the world (otherwise, I'd be out of a job), but that doesn't mean we should fall all over ourselves to provide them with a forum. Let 'em scream about it on the street corners, along with the rest of the nut-jobs. Besides, if Channel 9 is giving out free rebuttal time, what's going to stop people like me from protesting those dumbass "history of the hot dog" documentaries they're always showing?

Anyhoot, these X-tian jerkaloids aren't the only holier-than-thou milky lickers with a bad case of verbal diarrhea; there's also the Parents Television Council (the sponsor of those stoopid full-page, typo-filled ads featuring geriatric comedian Steve Allen drooling into his oatmeal about how TV has too much "blue language" and "ain't been right since Roosevelt's Rough Riders charged Bunker Hill"). They've recently come out with their annual "Top 10 Best Family-Friendly Shows on Television" list, as well as their picks for the "Top 10 Most Offensive Shows." Unsurprisingly, their 10 best are the WORST shows, and while their 10 worst are dumb, they're no dumber than your average chuckle-head Christian.

Take their #1 choice, Dawson's Creek, for example. They claim the show "features an almost obsessive focus on pre-marital sexual activity." Well, I can't imagine why the show would do that... after all, teens hate sex. (Except for me of course. When I was a teen I got my genitalia stuck in so many holes, my mom had to put the fire department on retainer.) The PTC also threw a hissy fit about the pervasiveness of homosexuality on TV, pointing their stinky fingers at Dawson's Creek, Will & Grace (#3), and Spin City (#5). However, oddly enough, there was only one program on their worst show list that alluded to violence (Millennium, #8) -- the rest of their complaints were exclusively about how everyone on these shows are really enjoying sex. "Allusions to sex and male genitalia are pervasive" on Ally McBeal (#4), "the homosexual lifestyle are [sic] enthusiastically condoned" on Spin City, "masturbation is a favorite topic" on the Drew Carey Show (#6), and perhaps most grievous of all, on Friends (#7), "Monica and Chandler... discuss how their sex life is 'amazing' and the 'best.'" Oh... my... God. A TV couple actually complimenting each other on their level of intimacy? Unplug that devil box and bring me my ax!!!

If you'd like to see the rest of the PTC's list of sexual atrocities, look it up for yourself on the much-lauded World Wide Web™ at www.parentstv.org. And while they probably aren't looking for a rebuttal from me, here's a little advice to all the sexually repressed folks at the PTC: Maybe you guys would feel a little better about yourselves if you gave this sex thing you keep complaining about a try. Remember: Talk is cheap, but luckily for me, booty is even cheaper!