Reverend Garland Mason of Richmond, VA, writes: "Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey. Though you will most certainly find yourself roasting in the deepest, hottest pits of Hell, plagued by horrific demons who shall delight in poking your plump bottom with their sharpened implements of torture throughout all eternity--I enjoy your column and read it every week.
"However, I must take umbrage with your column of last week, filthily entitled 'You've Got Pork-a-bility.' Your assertion--that a new show can only be successful if a viewer wishes to engage in sexual coitus with (or 'pork') someone in the cast--is unseemly. Instead of 'Pork-a-bility,' what of 'Moral-a-bility'? I'm quite certain your readers are all fine, upstanding people of high moral values..."
[Pffsshhttbbttt!! Sorry to interrupt, folks. That last statement made me spit the cock out of my mouth. --Humpy]
"...and I believe it's unfair for you to ignore their television needs. Please devote your next column to finding new moral shows for our perusal. For so sayeth Paul in the book of Ephesians (2: 4-8), "God who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us...."
YAH! YAH! YAH! Jesus did this! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! Jesus did that! Okay, Reverend, we've heard the story before. We renounce our evil ways and bathe throughout eternity in the holy blood of the lamb, yada, yada, yada. Tell you what: I'll turn the steering wheel over to Christ whenever he decides to do the right thing and resurrect John Ritter. (Sniff! Oh, John... you poor magnificent bastard.)
However! The good Reverend has a point; there are a few new shows debuting this week that may be a wee light on the "pork," but worth checking out anyway. Such as....
Joan of Arcadia (CBS, Fridays, 8 pm, debuts Sept 26). Amber Tamblyn (The Ring), as the daughter of a small-town sheriff (Joe Mantegna), flips her wig after getting multiple visitations from God. To make things even more confusing, God appears as a myriad of different people and, as usual, MAKES NO FAWKING SENSE. Rather than Touched by an Angel, this is more like Touched by a Bizarre Sadistic Megalomaniac.
Miss Match (NBC, Fridays, 8 pm, debuts Sept 26). The sporadically brilliant Alicia Silverstone (brilliant in Clueless, dumb in Batman & Robin) returns as a divorce lawyer by day, matchmaker by night. This show has it all: comedy and a strong moral center, which is tucked away deep inside Alicia's perky pork-able bottom.
The Lyon's Den (NBC, Sundays, 10 pm, debuts Sept 28). I've been thinking about punching Rob Lowe in the face. Who's with me?! After he was justifiably booted from The West Wing, I thought we'd seen the last of this smarmy, self-satisfied snark. Now he's playing a preachy, self-righteous lawyer helping the poor and disenfranchised? I liked him better when he was porking 15-year-olds at the Democratic National Convention!