Remember the old days when the Super Bowl was about semiretarded loaves of meat running around a field playing keep away with a pig's bladder? Well, thanks to Janet Jackson's titty-popping shenanigans back in aught-four, those days are gone! The modern Super Bowl is all about CONTROVERSY, baby, and this year's game was no different. For example, everybody's talking about the "kissin' mechanics" Snickers ad, and especially the Snickers website, which contained a video of "homophobic" football players groaning over the smooch. (But were they really homophobic? Maybe they were groaning because they would've rather seen Jude Law and Justin Timberlake tongue wrestling.)

Nevertheless! The Snickers execs eventually pulled the ad after an outcry from gay and lesbian groups—but DID THEY GO TOO FAR? The problem with the Snickers commercial was that no one knew how to take it. Was it homophobic or homorific? So instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, why not reshoot the commercial with a few minor—but VITAL—changes? Changes that would give the latently homosexual fans of the NFL what they really want. If given the opportunity, here's how I'd rewrite it:

Two mechanics are eating a single Snickers bar—à la Lady and the Tramp—when they share an accidental smooch. Horrified, they say, "OMIGOD! We just kissed! Quick, what would an NFL player do?" Then they rush off to the locker room to have anal sex.

THE END.

Need an "alternate" ending? No problem. The two kiss, and after vowing to do what an NFL player might do, they dash home to their wives and families. And then sneak out in the middle of the night to a truck stop to engage in anal sex. "Snickers really satisfiiiiiiiiiiiies!"

Hmmm. Maybe this is why no one ever asks me to write TV commercials.

Regardless, it wasn't just the Snickers company reaching out to closeted NFL fans! Did you see that half-time show? I thought Prince was doing a great job... until he suddenly decided to duck behind that gigantic sheet to manually gratify himself. Didn't he realize that sheet was backlit, and we could see everything he was doing? Well, that's just the way the NFL planned it! Because all they care about is watching men have anal sex and manually gratifying themselves!

Now, don't get me wrong—I like watching football and males engaging in anal copulation as much as the next guy. But we need to think about the KIDS. They need to have heterosexual role models just as much as homosexual ones—that's why commercials like the Super Bowl Doritos ad are so important. Kids need to see examples of checkout ladies at the grocery store getting so excited over a customer's choices of Doritos flavors, she has sex with him behind the register. And while these two racked up at least 200 health-code violations, at least they were HETEROSEXUAL violations.

National Football League? It's time for you to come out of the closet and face facts: There are heterosexuals who watch football, too. And they don't use candy bars as an excuse to kiss each other.

Thursday, February 15

8:30

NBC

THE OFFICE

While Michael delivers a speech to Ryan's business class, back at the office, Dwight battles an angry bat.

Friday, February 16

8:00

FOX

NANNY 911

An NFL-lovin', beer-drinkin' dad has trouble raising four tykes (must be all those late-night truck-stop visits).

Sunday, February 18

10:30

TOON

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE

The only cartoon in America that can make the entire city of Boston crap its pants.

Monday, February 19

9:00

FOX

24

Milo concocts a plan to outwit his kidnappers—but will using a mop to disguise himself as a girl really work?

Wednesday, February 21

10:00

ABC

LOST

Jack makes another attempt at outwitting the Others, which is sad, since he's as dumb as a box of hammers.

Humpy really satisfiiiiiies... steve@thestranger.com