Here's an ethical question: Let's say, for example, you spot a misplaced infant about to tumble into a cement mixer. (Look, now is not the time to question why someone would misplace an infant near a cement mixer, OKAY?!?) Would you (a) rush to warn the cement-mixer operator about the infant, or would you (b) laugh hysterically as the infant tumbled to a disgustingly cement-y death? For those who answered "a"—you are ethically correct! For those who answered "b"—I'll admit it's kind of funny... but you are ethically incorrect!
So to those who answered "b," why don't you go kill a puppy or something? The rest of this column is intended solely for those with a moral compass that isn't completely fawked. Okay. So you ethically correct people would warn a cement-mixer operator about a stupid baby—BUT YOU WOULDN'T WARN ABC TO CANCEL ANYTHING STARRING JIM BELUSHI??
In case you didn't realize, every time ABC shows an episode of According to Jim, something really horrible happens. Example: Immediately following last Tuesday's episode, officials from India knocked down the shanty home of one of those kids from Slumdog Millionaire. Did you read about that? It was horrible! One minute you're living in a shack made of rusty sheet metal, the next you're crying on a pile of twisted rubble, desperately asking passersby, "Where's my chicken?" AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT STOPPING JIM BELUSHI!
"But Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry. "According to Jim has just been canceled and will air its final episode this Tuesday at 8:30 p.m. on the ABC network! So now nothing bad will ever happen again!"
HORSE FEATHERS, A-HOLE!
Ever heard of syndication? Maybe you're too stupid to realize it, but According to Jim has been on for EIGHT seasons. EIGHT!! Let's think back for a moment, shall we, about alllllll the horrible things that have happened in the last eight years... like... ohhhh, I don't know... maybe 9-freaking-11?? And the war in Iraq? And a little thing we like to call the total collapse and meltdown of the global economy?? And that Slumdog kid losing his chicken??
Eight seasons. That's 182 episodes of unfunny, abject misery—misery that will surely continue thanks to According to Jim's syndication deal! And whose fault is it? Why... it's YOURS. YOU could've said something. YOU could've opened your eyes to the horror going on around you and said, "STOP IT, JIM BELUSHI. I will not stand idly by as the world hurtles toward war and infants tumble into cement mixers. I will do whatever it takes NOW to stop According to Jim—even if it means ignoring a child about to tumble into a cement mixer so I can write an angry letter to the ABC network!"
Unfortunately, you didn't do this—which means we must now resort to drastic measures. How drastic? We go back in time Terminator-style (which is to say buck naked) and steer those 9/11 planes right into Jim Belushi's mansion. The chickens and cement mixers of the world are depending on us.
THURSDAY, MAY 28
8:00 ABC NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
Bespectacled nerds try to spell words like "clamidi... chlamidi... clamydia...." OH, FORGET IT!!!
8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
More auditions means it's "spinal-cord severin' time!"
FRIDAY, MAY 29
9:00 ABC EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MONEY
Will Smith, the Jonas Brothers, and Oscar the Grouch offer fun tips on what to do with your foreclosed house.
SATURDAY, MAY 30
10:00 ABC PUSHING DAISIES
Return! Olive reunites with the guys (George Segal and Richard Benjamin) who kidnapped her as a child. AWWW!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Justin Timberlake hosts this repeat, which you should watch because it's Justin Timberlake. Eeeeeee!!!
SUNDAY, MAY 31
8:30 MTV THE HILLS
Season finale! Will Lauren's mustache ruin Heidi and Spencer's wedding? Oh please, oh please, oh please!
9:00 MTV 2009 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Host Andy Samberg gets slimed by a big tub of green goo... wait... that's Nick's Kids' Choice Awards, isn't it? (Same diff.)
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Season finale! Walt's secret life as a meth dealer drives his wife to the breaking point. (Nag, nag, NAG!)
MONDAY, JUNE 1
8:00 NBC I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Season premiere! F-list celebs (including Speidi, and Patti Blagojevich) are dropped into the jungle, where even anacondas are too disgusted to eat them.
TUESDAY, JUNE 2
10:00 ABC EARTH 2100
Want to know what the planet will look like in the year 2100? Think more global warming and fewer Terminator robots.
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Tommy continues to look like an ass, courtesy of Janet's foul-mouthed paraplegic boyfriend (Michael J. Fox).
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3
10:00 NBC LAW & ORDER
Season finale! A charitable executive is murdered and... wait. What real news story was this ripped off from?
10:30 COM RENO 911!
Season finale! I love this show, but can we please have a spin-off starring "Terry the Roller-Skating Prostitute"?
Jim Belushi ruined the internet, too.