You may want to sit down for this. Ready? Okay. I HAVE TINGLING THIGH SYNDROME. But hold on... everything's going to be fine. Okay... okay... stop crying already. It's not that serious. Look, you're... you're hyperventilating. Breathe into this bag. Seriously, this is getting annoying. I'M NOT GOING TO DIE! So get it together for the love of Christ! According to doctors, Tingling Thigh Syndrome is completely curable—that is, if I choose to pull off my pants.

Let me explain: For years I have suffered from a mysterious "tingling" sensation in my thigh—as if a phantom cell phone was vibrating in my pocket. I attributed this phenomenon to one of two causes: (1) thigh cancer, or (2) since my groin is a squirrel's nest of sexual energy, my thigh was the recipient of "runoff" or residual horniness. Remarkably, however—and this rarely, if ever, happens—BOTH of my theories were completely wrong!

According to a story I read on MSNBC.com, what I actually have is "Tingling Thigh Syndrome" or in technical doctor-y terms, "meralgia paresthetica," which refers to a tingling or burning sensation in the thigh when undue pressure is applied to the lateral femoral cutaneous nerve. So what's causing this pressure? NO, IT'S NOT MY PENIS (which was my first guess, too)... IT'S MY TIGHT JEANS!

Apparently my skin-tight trousers not only are accentuating my God-given gifts but also are putting my thighs to sleep. Therefore, the obvious solution to my malady would be to take off my pants, right? OH, YOU WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

Well, let me tell YOU something, Buster Brown! There is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I'm giving up my painted-on pants. Why? Because I care about the mental health of the freaking world, that's why! In case you've been living underneath a rock or something, my ass has often been referred to as a "honey-baked ham" and my "sweet 'n' juicy" and "deemed a model of structural perfection by the department of mechanical engineering at MIT." Now how do you think the world would react if I were to peel off the jeans that perfectly encapsulate the awesomeness of my hindquarters and begin wearing the same, ugly baggy pants sported by frat boys, circus clowns and the clinically insane? IT'D BE ANARCHY, GODDAMMIT! ANARCHY!!

(Oh, while we're on the subject of medicine, you should totally check out a new "dramedy" debuting this Monday at 10:30 p.m. on Showtime titled Nurse Jackie. It stars Edie Falco—Carmela from The Sopranos—as an ER nurse who goes to bizarre lengths to ensure her patients are treated right, while simultaneously maintaining her addiction to prescription pain meds. It's funny and dark and makes those other hospital shows look like a colostomy bag full of old-person gravy.)

Now where was I? Oh, yeah! ANARCHY!! So unless I'm planning on doing some serious porkage, these nerve-damaging jeans are going to stay right where they are, doing what they do best, which is to say making my junk look like a million bucks, decimating my sperm count, and cutting off all feeling below my testes. I'm doing it all for you, world! Hope you appreciate it. recommended

THURSDAY, JUNE 4

10:00 NBC THE LISTENER

Debut! A telepathic paramedic. Ugh. This is going to be a loooong summer.

10:00 USA ROYAL PAINS

Debut! A disgraced New York City doc gets hired to exclusively treat the Hamptons' fanciest fancy-pantsers.

FRIDAY, JUNE 5

10:00 E! THE SOUP

If you haven't visited recently, check in with the hilarious Joel McHale as he skewers the dumbest celebs of the week.

SATURDAY, JUNE 6

8:00 GSN THE GAME SHOW AWARDS

A ceremony honoring the best game shows of all time including The Price Is Right. Unnecessary!

8:00 USA CASINO ROYALE—Movie

(2006) Sexpot Daniel Craig blasts out of the gate in his first go-around as sociopath/spy James Bond.

SUNDAY, JUNE 7

9:00 A&E GENE SIMMONS FAMILY JEWELS

Season premiere! Against his daughter's wishes, Gene throws her a birthday party as big as his tongue.

10:00 BBCA HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA?

Debut! Actresses compete for the role of Maria in a London production of The Sound of Music, and I know you don't care, but I do.

MONDAY, JUNE 8

9:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8

Chef Emeril Lagasse pays a visit and within 20 minutes blows his brains out. Bam!

10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST

Season premiere! Kathy tries to move up and off the D-list by bribing C-lister Bette Midler.

TUESDAY, JUNE 9

9:00 FOX MENTAL

Jack tries to wake up a catatonic patient (Kill Bill's David Carradine) who's been struck by lightning.

11:30 IFC WRONG DOOR

Debut! A Brit sketch-comedy troupe that uses CGI (hopefully to fix their teeth).

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

Tonight's well-named obstacles include "Banana Hammocks" and "Gears of Doom... Now with Foam."

10:00 BRAVO TOP CHEF MASTERS

Debut! World-famous chefs compete to see who is the chef-iest chef in all of chef-dom!