On numerous occasions, I have been asked the following question: "Humpy, are you a high-functioning alcoholic?" High-functioning? Well, I wouldn't go that far. However, I will go this far: If you want to see me do something totally amaze-balls? Drain a fifth of booze down my throat. Once during a bender, I scaled a two-story building with a lit cigarette in my mouth, fell right before I reached the top, and hit the ground in a lump. I immediately hopped right up, flicked the ash off my smoke, and yelled, "Okay, which one of you turds has my Jack Daniel's?" (NOTE: Do not try this sort of stupid nonsense at home—especially if you're not drunk.)
Booze has always provided me with magic superpowers of one sort or another. Whiskey makes me impervious to pain (and makes me a moderate-to-terrible climber). Tequila gives me incredible balance (gimme two shots and watch me ride a unicycle). Rum gives me super arm-wrestling strength, and vodka makes me irresistible to either sex, while simultaneously allowing me to remember and quote any rap song written since 1987.
Conversely, pot gives me the ability to suffer multiple panic attacks before eating an entire pizza and falling asleep for 15 hours.
So for the most part, it's true: Everything is better with booze. (With the possible exceptions of explaining previous drunken actions to a judge, flying helicopters, and performing circumcisions.) HOWEVER! It is an irrefutable FACT that liquor improves one's ability to teach, as has been proven time and time again by the absolutely hilarious web series Drunk History—which is getting its own TV series coming to Comedy Central this Tuesday, July 9, at 10 p.m.!
For those unfamiliar with the history of Drunk History, it was created by genius Derek Waters and debuted on YouTube in December 2007 using the following insanely simple premise: Get someone super-drunk, film them explaining a historical event, and then have famous comic actors re-create exactly what the stinking drunk person is describing. Of course, hilarity ensues! Quickly hop over to funnyordie.com/drunkhistory to see Michael Cera reenacting Alexander Hamilton's duel with Aaron Burr, Jack Black as Benjamin Franklin discovering electricity, Will Ferrell as Abraham Lincoln meeting Don Cheadle as Frederick Douglass, and more! Not only will you actually listen and learn a lot about these historical events, but the narrator will also probably vomit during the lecture... soooo... double score!
And the new Comedy Central series is shaping up to be just as great! Each show will focus on the history of an American city that was instrumental to our country's birth—for example, the debut episode spotlights Washington, DC, and features stinking drunk retellings of the Watergate scandal (starring Nathan Fielder and Fred Willard), the Lincoln assassination (with Parks and Recreation's Adam Scott as John Wilkes Booth), and the unforgettable day when Elvis met President Nixon (Jack Black and Bob Odenkirk).
If you're a big fan of Ken Burns's historical documentaries—then you maaaaay not like this. But if you're a drunk, and your alcoholic superpower is "being smart," then don't miss Drunk History! Now... which one of you turds has my Jack Daniel's?!?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 3
8:00 SCI THROUGH THE WORMHOLE WITH MORGAN FREEMAN
This episode: “Will Sex Become Extinct?” Not as long as Morgan Freeman lives!
10:00 E! THE SOUP
Joel McHale hilariously recaps the week in absolutely humiliating and cringeworthy television.
THURSDAY, JULY 4
1:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD MARATHON
Celebrate the fact that America isn’t overrun by zombies with this all-day Walking Dead marathon!
8:00 NBC FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR Did I mention that another of my drunken superpowers is the clumsy handling of fireworks?
FRIDAY, JULY 5
9:00 DSC WARLOCKS RISING
Debut! Unfortunately, this is a new reality series about a motorcycle gang, and not a show about actual warlocks. BOOOOOOOO!!!
10:00 E! FASHION POLICE
Join host Joan Rivers as she rips celebrities (and their fashions) a new armhole.
SATURDAY, JULY 6
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Another good SNL repeat featuring a terrific performance by musical guests Macklemore and Ryan Lewis!
SUNDAY, JULY 7
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Sookie decides the best way to deal with her attraction to Ben is by jumping his bones. Good plan!
9:00 SHO DEXTER
Miami Metro enlists Dexter’s help to find the “Brain Surgeon”—who I suspect isn’t medically approved.
MONDAY, JULY 8
9:00 NBC GET OUT ALIVE WITH BEAR GRYLLS
Debut! Yet another tedious survival reality show, this time hosted by Bear Grylls who has no intention of helping anyone get out alive.
10:00 NBC SIBERIA
Victoria suffers hallucinations after eating mushrooms. (Note: Hallucinations are not a “superpower.”)
TUESDAY, JULY 9
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
Debut! Hilarious drunken retellings of historical stories. Tonight: Other than that, Mr. Lincoln, did you enjoy the show?
10:30 COM THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE
Season premiere! Clearly the most offensive news recap show on TV, starring clearly most offensive comedian Anthony Jeselnik!
Twitter: Also better when drunk. @WmSteveHumphrey