REGULAR READERS OF I LOVE TELEVIsion™ will no doubt attest to the fact that I enjoy watching the medical drama E.R. just about as much as I enjoy watching a dog lap up his own vomit. Though I'll admit the show has improved slightly over the years (to the status of a porcupine lapping up his own vomit), E.R. still remains one of the most overrated, sphincter-clenchingly bad shows on TV. However! Since E.R. has lost or will lose a lot of regulars this season (George Clooney, Gloria Reubens, Juliana Margulies), NBC seems to be having a marijuana freakout, scrambling to replace major roles and preserve the health of its precious goose that laid the golden poop .

They're so spooked, in fact, that they've been loading up the cast with a bunch of fancy-pants newcomers and washed-up celebs. For example, hotty ex-NewsRadio cast member Maura Tierney will be joining the cast (hopefully as Doctor "Hot-Hot" McHotty), as well as Goran Visjnik (Practical Magic), and Michael Michelle from Homicide: Life on the Street. But the new blood doesn't stop there! My favorite part-time E.R. actor, Paul McCrane (Dr. Romano), will be on full-time, which is great because he's the guy who played that red-headed goob, Montgomery, in the movie Fame, and maybe this season they'll finally let him sing "Dogs in the Yard"!! (Cross your fingers!)

But the really big news is E.R. signing up two used-to-be bigshots for five episodes each. One is Rebecca DeMornay (who you may remember Tom Cruise pimping in Risky Business), as the girlfriend for nerdy Noah Wyle (Dr. Carter). Now, this is a good choice! Rebecca may be getting up in years, but she still has a body that would make a dead man kick the lid off his casket. Rrrrrroowwrr! RRROWWRR! Pant! Pant! AH-OOOOH-GAH!

Now... what was I talking about? ...oh, yeah! And the SECOND of the used-to-be bigshots is NOT such a good choice, because (brace yourself...) it's goddam ALAN FAWKING ALDA! I mean, what are these ding-dongs thinking? As far as I'm concerned Alan Fawking Alda has sucked up enough TV air for eight lifetimes, and now they want to bring him back? Even if it's only for five lousy episodes, this egregious breech of the public's faith is tantamount to allowing Robert Downey Jr. to run around loose in a heroin drip factory! Now you may be wondering: "Hey, Wm.™ Steven Hump-me! Why so down on Alan Fawking Alda? You're starting to scare me!" Well, to that I'd have to say, "How DARE you ask me that question?!?"

Don't you remember what happened to M*A*S*H after Alan Fawking Alda got hold of it? It used to be hilarious, back in the days when Trapper John, Frank Burns, and Henry Blake shared the limelight. But as soon as they left the show, Alan Fawking Alda took over and everything went to H-E-double-hockey-sticks in a handbasket. All of a sudden, Alan Fawking Alda wants the show to be all "Boo-hoo-hoo! War is bad," with serious storylines, modern hairdos, and teenage soldiers whining about their missing limbs. What's up with that? You sure as hell wouldn't see any of this anti-war slop on Hogan's Heroes or Baa, Baa, Blacksheep! Those guys made the best of things, and to them, war was simply a minor inconvenience easily overcome by blowing a battalion of goose-stepping Krauts to smithereens.

I'm telling you, Alan Fawking Alda is insidious, and using him on E.R. to boost the ratings is like putting a hand grenade up your ass to relieve constipation. If he's allowed on E.R. for even five episodes, then mark... my... words! He'll turn it into a season, and then another, and as soon as the other cast members leave? He'll be writing and directing entire episodes! One will be about Jerry the orderly dressing up like Corporal Klinger! Another will be about psychiatrist Dr. Sydney visiting to evaluate the E.R. staff! And most horribly? There will be an episode where he tongue-kisses Hot Lips in a bomb shelter.

Friends, don't let this abomination occur! Write the networks! Alan Fawking Alda must be stopped... BEFORE HE ACTS AGAIN!