Longtime readers of I Love Television⢠know I have little patience for goddamn commie Rooskies. HOWEVER! Over the past few yearsâin the interest of improved international relationsâI've tried to temper my Russian xenophobia by focusing on their good points. Such as? Well, frankly, there aren't many! But here are three: (1) Russian drunks! Nobody gets stinko like the Russiansâthey make Lindsay Lohan look like a Mormon in a ginger ale factory. (2) Russian YouTube videos! They may be godless commies, but they make HEEE-LARIOUS YouTube videos! Search "Funny Russian Videos" and spend hours laffing your guts out over insane drivers, drunk cops, and trumpet-playing bears. And (3) Russian brides! They're superior to American brides, because they run away after two years. (Ba-dum-DUM! Chssss! Thank yew, thank yew! Unlike Russian brides, I'll be here all week.)
Unfortunately, my Cold War is once again white-hot thanks to Russia's idiotic laws against "homosexual propaganda"âUMM, hello?? Practically everything I do is "homosexual propaganda"! Remember the time I devoted an entire column to the color, size, and height of Tom "Smallville" Welling's nipples? I rest my case.
And now Russia is threatening to prosecute American gays who participate in the upcoming Winter Olympics? OHHHHHH HELLLLLLL NAWWWWWWWW! Look, you sex-hating pinko commies! NOBODY messes with American gaysâexcept me, and preferably in a threesome. ("Homosexual propaganda" noted.) And in case you didn't notice? Russia is firmly BACK on my (and America's) xenophobic shit list! Here's how I think we, as a nation, should respond to Russia's gay-hating shenanigans:
⢠Boycott Vodka! While I cry a tear for every drop of alcohol spilled on the streets, Russian vodka is now strictly NYET! I'd sooner drink rubbing alcohol before allowing another bottle of Stoli to touch my homosexual- propaganda-spewing lips, and from now on, I'm substituting any (and all) of the following: beer, whiskey, rye, tequila, brandy, rum, gin, and rubbing alcohol. (I never said I hated rubbing alcohol.)
⢠Boycott Caviar! You don't eat caviar, anyway? Me either! Let's think of something else!
⢠Promote "Russian Heterosexual Propaganda"! America (gays and all) should participate in Russia's Winter Olympicsâby humiliating the shit out of them. Instead of "homosexual propaganda," let's promote the "heterosexual" variety. For example, did you know Russian men have incredibly small penises? Yep, it's true. Sadly, they're TERRIBLE in bed. And the women are only slightly more sexually active than a frozen filet of cod. And did you hear that President Vladimir Putin's tiny junk is covered in sores? Ugh! GROSS. Who would EVER want to sleep with these people??
⢠Ban American Exports of Ghost Sharks! As you know, America leads the world in hilarious shark TV movies. After the smashing success of Syfy's Sharknado, we're insanely excited for this week's follow-up, Ghost Shark (Syfy, Thurs Aug 22, 9 pm). While the plot is clearly not important, it's about an ass-eating shark that's killed and then comes back from the dead to eat more ass. THE END. But here's the point! Russia, you don't DESERVE Ghost Shark or any other supernatural or weather-related sharks! Recant your idiotic, homophobic antigay laws, or you can make your own terrible shark movies! (Ha! With what? A trumpet-playing bear?) 
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21
10:00 E! THE SOUP
Joel McHale celebrates the showâs 500th episode by making merciless fun of 500 sad celebrities!
10:00 FX THE BRIDGE
Sonya finally has a prime suspect in the bridge murders. About time! Now get to work on your personality!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 22
9:00 SYFY GHOST SHARKâMovie
(2013) Itâs like Ghost Dad⌠except with Bill Cosbyâs shark!
9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY
The contestants are assigned to make âglampingâ (glamorous camping) outfits. Expect a bejeweled ax.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 23
10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!
Scott and Reggie welcome special guest Andy Richter and his trumpet-playing bear. (I wish.)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 24
11:00 FOX AXE COP
Axe Cop must battle a boy whoâs possessed by a rabbit that eats coconuts. That makes so much sense to me!
SUNDAY, AUGUST 25
9:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Walt and Skyler face an unexpected demandâwhich may put their supply of pine-scented car fresheners in danger!
9:00 MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
Featuring performances from Lady Gaga, Daft Punk, and a slew of other artists never featured on MTV.
MONDAY, AUGUST 26
9:00 E! FASHION POLICE
Joan Rivers and her âJoan Rangersâ eviscerate the styles from last nightâs MTV Video Awards.
10:00 MTV TEEN MOM 2
Season premiere! More teens! More moms! More⌠SADZ.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 27
10:00 COM DRUNK HISTORY
Season finale! Rootinâ tootinâ historical reenactments of the Wild Westâtold by a stinking drunk!
10:30 COM THE JESELNIK OFFENSIVE
Season finale! Anthony ends his second season with a bang! No, literally, he shoots and kills guests Nick Kroll and John Mulaney.
What are Russians going to outlaw next? Twitter? @WmSteveHumphrey
