THERE ARE MANY CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY -- but I can't think of a bigger one this week than Luke Perry (Dylan from Beverly Hills, 90210) being asked to play the title role in the soon-to-be-filmed FOX TV movie about Evel Knievel. If you ask me, that's like asking Tom Cruise to play John Wayne! Or Ernest Borgnine to play Pamela Anderson Lee! Or a meatball to play a slice of bacon! IT JUST ISN'T DONE! However! In the interest of fairness (which, in actuality, I have no interest in) I will list the pros and cons of both Luke Perry and... say... a meatball, and let YOU decide who would make the better Evel Knievel!

PROS for Luke Perry, Rather Than a Meatball, Playing Evel Knievel: It's possible that Luke Perry has more acting experience than a meatball -- but doubtful. Regardless, Luke Perry looks a lot more like Evel Knievel than a meatball does, and shares the following common life experiences:

Common Life Experiences Shared by Luke Perry and Evel Knievel, But Not by a Meatball: Luke and Evel share common small-town backgrounds, and both were mediocre students in high school. Evel excelled in sports, such as track and field, ski jumping, and hockey. Luke excelled as his high school's team mascot "Freddie the Bird," for which he dressed up in yellow tights, red feathers, and big yellow feet. Evel, while working at an insurance agency after graduation, sold 271 policies in one week (a company record). Before 90210, Luke went on 216 auditions (without getting a single part).

Evel formed a touring show in 1965 called "Evel Knievel's Motorcycle Daredevils" in which he performed stunts such as riding through fire walls, jumping pits of rattlesnakes and mountain lions, and holding onto a parachute while being dragged by a race car going 200 mph. Luke worked in a doorknob factory.

CONS for Luke Perry, Rather Than a Meatball, Playing Evel Knievel: Evel Knievel jumped 50 cars stacked up in the center of the L.A. Coliseum, broke his pelvis IN HALF after leaping 13 double-decker buses at Wembley Stadium, went into a coma for 30 DAYS after attempting to jump the fountains at Caesar's Palace, and after watching TWO of his rocket-powered Sky Cycles crash to the bottom of Snake River Canyon, he climbed into the third and attempted the jump anyway (again barely cheating death in the attempt). It's highly likely that the most dangerous thing Luke Perry has ever done in his life is undergoing surgery for hair implants.

PROS for a Meatball, Rather Than Luke Perry, Playing Evel Knievel: Evel Knievel loves meatballs. Evel Knievel doesn't give two shits for Luke Perry.

CONS for a Meatball, Rather than Luke Perry, Playing Evel Knievel: A meatball doesn't have an awesome website devoted to it, like Evel Knievel does (, on which they sell T-shirts, posters, stickers, replicas of Evel's jumpsuits, autographed pictures of his most famous ass-busting wipe-outs, and (brace yourselves) the toy version of the Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle! (However, these are small enough for a meatball to ride... SEE?? There is a way to make this movie after all!!)