Oh, what a difference a year makes! Remember last summer when you were a freaking nervous wreck? Obama was doing ohhkay in the polls, but not well enough to stop our bladders from spontaneously releasing any time the names "McCain" or (even worse) "Palin" were mentioned. So suffice it to say, when July 4 rolled around, we weren't feeling exactly... ohhh, how do you say... "patriotic."
Obviously what was needed was someone—a TRUE American—to write a TV column so engorged with patriotism and anti-foreigner sentiment that it would inspire everyone to stop blubbering like a fat kid who dropped his cake and start acting like a goddamn citizen of the greatest country in the goddamn cosmos! (And in case you're wondering, the goddamn country I was referring to was the UNITED FREAKING STATES OF AMERICA and the goddamn TV-column writer was ME! Goddamnit!!)
As we now know, that TV column was wildly successful—refilling America's eager mouth with piss and vinegar. (Okay, fine... Obama helped a bit, too.) Bearing that in mind, I've decided to run the column again, because (a) some of you blubberers must have missed it—hence the continued blubbering, (b) I'm intending on selling laminated copies of it for $5 a pop, and (c) there is absolutely nothing good on television this week. Happy b-day, America!
AMERICA: WHY I LOVE HER (MORE!)
Why do I love America? I love America because if you asked that stupid question in any other country, they'd haul you off to a filthy prison and mutilate your genitals. These are the same countries that accuse US of torturing suspected terrorists. Well, you know what? Those countries torture ME by not being America. Seriously... "world music"? Instead of blowing didgeridoos or "throat chanting," why don't you just throw two cats into a cement mixer and knock off early?
And don't get me started on foreign food. Did you know there are countries that actually worship cows, instead of grinding them up and mixing 'em into macaroni and cheese? Look, if you prefer to squat over a hole in the ground rather than sit on a nice padded toilet seat, then BY ALL MEANS, leave America.
Here's what America has that other countries don't: Batman SpaghettiOs, a Starbucks within a rock's throw of another Starbucks, Las Vegas, Tila Tequila, frat boys, Steven Seagal energy drinks, internet porn (in ENGLISH), Arby's, Cathy (the comic strip), soap, puritanical values, peanut butter and jelly mixed in the same jar, Iron Man, Scientology, Whoppers, internet trolls, circus peanuts, dentistry, Battlestar Galactica, factory-farmed beef, Puerto Rico, Crocs, Eddie Murphy, and those big foam fingers that say "America #1!"
So thank you, America... thank you for your rolling hills, your crashing waves, your eagles soaring so high. Thank you for your economic-stimulus checks, your hot chicks who sleep with less-than-attractive guys, and your lamination process that allows me to sell these columns for $5 a pop. But most of all, thank you, America, for allowing someone like me to write a TV column in the greatest country in the world... and then take the rest of the day off to deep-throat a corn dog.
THURSDAY, JULY 2
9:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?
If you'd like to see pure, unadulterated psychosis in action, look no further than the judges' table.
11:30 CBS LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN
Tonight with Sandra Bullock and PJ Harvey? That's a match made in bizarro heaven.
FRIDAY, JULY 3
8:00 FOX ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?
Season premiere! My mortal nemesis of a show returns (but at least they have a professional eating champion as a contestant).
8:30 ABC THE GOODE FAMILY
Helen becomes the sensation of the graffiti-artist community when Elvis Costello honors her work!
SATURDAY, JULY 4
9:00 NBC MACY'S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Costarring Rob Thomas and Jewel? Forget the "spectacular" part.
10:00 CBS BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR
Costarring Craig Ferguson and Neil Diamond? Now that's edging toward "spectacular"!
SUNDAY, JULY 5
8:00 NBC MERLIN
Don't miss this cheese-errific reimagining of The O.C. set in Camelot. Tonight, Lancelot (aka the "surf nazi") arrives.
MONDAY, JULY 6
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Jillian and the guys jet off to Madrid in another attempt to disguise the fact that she isn't very attractive.
10:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Kathy's newest scheme to get on the A-list? Write a tell-all book about Ryan Seacrest! (That ought to do it.)
TUESDAY, JULY 7
8:00 NBC GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP
Debut! Seven families drive across the country, stopping to compete in humorous (read: humiliating) challenges.
9:00 SCIFI WAREHOUSE 13
Debut! A secret government warehouse stores all of America's occult/alien secrets—and a bunch of disgruntled employees.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 8
8:00 VS. TOUR DE FRANCE
Let me summarize it: Ride, ride, ride, drink water, ride, ride, ride, pump up tires, ride, ride, ride, repeat.
10:30 COM RENO 911!
Season finale! Williams is forced to go into couples' therapy with Wiegel, and may god help us all.