QUESTION: Whose baloney do I have to blow to get my fawking face on a stamp? See, apparently there's this British Island called "St. Vincent and the Grenadines" (which if you ask me, sounds more like one of those stupid bands that play in Pioneer Square than a country) whose main export is celebrity postage stamps. Excuse me, but whatever happened to making rum? Whatever happened to making grass skirts or coconut banks that look like monkeys? Nevertheless, St. Vinny is all about the stamps, and since they'll apparently put any idiot's face on one, my question is, why can't that idiot be me?

By now, you've probably surmised that something is burning my ass regarding this stamp situation, and you would be correct, because I just found out that of all the boneheads in the world, those Vinny Grenadines made a stamp featuring (brace yourself) MIKE WALLACE of 60 Minutes! Now, C'MON! Mike Wallace is a jackass! Some people swear Andy Rooney is worse, but I say Mike Wallace makes Rooney look like Stephen Hawking after chugging a bottle of Ginkgo Biloba!

I hate it when everybody is all "Ooooooh! Mike Walllllace! He's sooooo smart! He's been a reporter allllll those years! He's exposed so many white-collar criiiiiimes and helped so many peeeeeeeople!" HORSE-KNUCKLES! I know for a FACT that Mike Wallace hasn't done a goddam day of work in his life, and all his research and questions are prepared by underpaid, whimpering lackeys. And I know for another FACT that Mike Wallace sits on his big fat ass eating pork rinds and watching Woody Woodpecker cartoons until it's time for him to go on TV and act like a big shot -- in reality he's just another 70-year-old with a leaky colostomy bag!

By the way, St. Vincent is also putting famous boy-group 'N Sync on a stamp, but I don't have any problem with that -- they're dreamy. OH! And you know who else got something they didn't deserve last week? Actor Eriq La Salle, who plays the insufferable Dr. Benton on E.R.! According to Daily Variety (who, like The New York Times, think they're too smart to have funny pages), La Salle threatened to walk off the show, but changed his mind pretty goddam fast when they waved (brace yourself) 27 MILLION DOLLARS under his nose! And all he has to do is act badly for another three years, just like he's done all along!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!? Am I nuts? E.R. really, really STINKS! The only not-so-shitty actor on that show is Anthony "Dr. Green" Edwards, and they're giving him 35 million (which I don't mind so much, because he played Tom Cruise's lover, "Goose," in Top Gun and didn't get paid what he deserved). In fact, the only TV people getting what they truly deserve is the cast of Saturday Night Live, who (according to the funny-pages-carrying New York Observer) are being forced into contracts stipulating that they have to (a) stay on the show for six years, (b) perform in stoopid NBC sitcoms for six years after they leave the show, and (c) be in stoopid feature films based on the stoopid characters they create -- all while being paid less than most actors would make.

Now, if you ask me, this is a GREAT IDEA! No smart, talented actor would ever go for that raw deal, and this tired-ass show will finally plummet into the same shit-can where Mike Wallace dumps his colostomy bags. Which brings me back to my original point: I could really use a stamp with my picture on it. So send your votes to "Postmaster, c/o St. Vincent Philatelic Services, GPO Kingstown" (and no, there isn't a zip code, and no, "philatelic" doesn't mean condom). Who knows? Maybe one day you can proudly proclaim, "Wm.™ Steven Hump-me? Oh... sure. I've licked him."