Okay, take out your pencils! (No, not that pencil! Jesus Christ, you're disgusting.) It's time for another Holiday TV Classic Pop Quiz™, and... OH, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK. I know we just had a pop quiz last week (about A Charlie Brown Christmas), and guess what? We're having another one! After all, you can't call it a "pop" quiz if it doesn't "pop," am I right? Of course I am—shut up.
This week's quiz involves the creepy animated classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (watch the vastly inferior sequels this week, including Rudolph's Shiny New Year [ABC Family, Thurs Dec 5, 6 pm] and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys [ABC Family, Sat Dec 7, 7 am]. As always, ABSOLUTELY NO CHEATING OR WISENHEIMERY. You have one hour. Begin.
1. Narrator Sam the Snowman wonders aloud, "Haven't you ever seen a talking snowman before?" Is this a thinly veiled accusation of racism? Should "talking snowmen" be granted equal rights—even though they're entirely made out of snow? (Any answer other than "no" is incorrect.)
2. Upon discovering baby Rudolph's glowing nose, his father, Donner, decides to hide it by covering it up with dirt. Note three similarities between Donner and your own father.
3. Hermey the Elf tells his screaming boss that, instead of making toys, he'd rather be "a dentist." WHAT DOES HE REALLY MEAN, AND IS HE FUCKING KIDDING US?
4. After his glowing nose is discovered, Rudolph is banned from future "reindeer games." If you were an ACLU lawyer, what would be your legal advice?
5. Which of the following is the best song ever written about self-acceptance?
a. Clarice the Doe's "There's Always Tomorrow"
b. Katy Perry's "Firework"
c. Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful"
d. All of the above make me want to stab my ears off with a pair of scissors.
6. After the elves sing "We Are Santa's Elves," Santa responds to the performers by saying, "Well, needs work. I have to go. [Door slam!]" Why is Santa such a dick?
7. The Abominable Snow Monster is accused of being "mean, nasty," and "hating everything to do with Christmas." Is it possible the Snow Monster might be eating everyone because he's at the top of the food chain? Bonus question: Should the Abominable Snow Monster be given "protected species" status?
8. Hermey, Rudolph, and Yukon Cornelius are denied asylum on the Island of Misfit Toys because—according to King Moonracer—"a living creature cannot hide himself on an island." Again, WHAT DOES HE REALLY MEAN, AND IS HE FUCKING KIDDING US?
9. To defeat the Abominable Snow Monster, Hermey forcibly pulls out every one of the creature's teeth (without anesthesia). If you can think of a crueler fate, I'd like to hear it. Bonus question: Does Hermey actually deserve to be a dentist?
10. After agreeing to lead Santa's sleigh through a snowstorm, Rudolph is once again accepted by his peers. The moral of this story is:
a. Minorities must prove their worth before gaining equal rights.
b. Ugly mutants have feelings, too.
c. Santa is a dick.
d. None (or all) of the above.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4
9:00 TNT MOB CITY
Debut! The Walking Dead’s Frank Darabont’s new period mob drama—now with 100 percent less zombies.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Cordelia tries to kill Fiona by secretly cutting the brake line on her broomstick.
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 5
8:00 NBC THE SOUND OF MUSIC LIVE!
A new adaptation of the classic musical starring Carrie Underwood. (Prepare to stab your ears off with scissors.)
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Olivia’s team discovers her secret—that she steals lunches from the office fridge.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 6
10:00 CBS THE GRAMMY NOMINATIONS CONCERT
Featuring special performances from Drake, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, and that dick Robin Thicke.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
With host Paul Rudd (SQUEEE!) and musical guests One Direction (SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!).
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8
9:00 A&E BONNIE & CLYDE
A two-part miniseries about the infamous (and doomed) gangster/lovers.
10:00 DSC DUDE, YOU’RE SCREWED
Debut! Survival experts compete to get themselves out of horribly screwed situations. Tonight: erupting volcanoes!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 9
8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN’ TO TOWN
Another creepy animated classic (but this time, Santa isn’t such a dick).
9:00 ABC THE GREAT CHRISTMAS LIGHT FIGHT
Families compete to see who can make the most garish front-yard holiday display. (Why not have a leaf-blower contest?)
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10
10:00 CBS THE VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW
For those who don’t know how to find free porn on their computer.
10:00 FX SONS OF ANARCHY
Season finale! The motorcycle club spends the episode picking daisies and saying nice things about each other.
Yank my teeth out on Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey