"Oh, for the love of... ANOTHER GD HOLIDAY TV POP QUIZ?!?" That's right! Another GD Holiday TV Pop Quiz—but this is absolutely the last one (until maybe next week). However! You only have yourselves to blame for this recent upswing of surprise tests (which included quizzes about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas). Your knowledge of classic holiday TV shows is woeful—so put down the bong, pothead, and pick up a number 2 pencil... because this week's quiz is all about the 1966 cartoony classic How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (TBS, Dec 13, 8 pm). As always, NO CHEATING OR WISENHEIMERY! You have one hour. Begin.
1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas! is actually an allegory—but about what or whom?
a. Nazis! (Everything is an allegory for Nazis.)
b. The commercialization of Christmas (which Dr. Seuss capitalized on commercially... IRONY).
c. Green hermits who steal Christmas presents.
d. Former vice president Dick Cheney.
2. Why did the Grinch hate Christmas?
a. His shoes were too tight.
b. His head wasn't screwed on just right.
c. His heart was two sizes too small.
d. He was a classic narcissist with delusions of grandeur mixed with misanthropic tendencies and suffering from bipolar disorder.
3. Is it possible for someone with a "heart two sizes too small" to exist without life support—much less rob an entire town in one night? Support your answer with medical documentation.
4. The Whos of Whoville are not human, and yet they celebrate Christmas. How come? (Possible theories: They're an alien culture who mimic earth habits and kidnap dogs named Max. Or perhaps they're apocalypse survivors/mutants who desperately cling to human traditions. Or maybe they live on an alternate-reality earth where Jesus Christ was a Who named Whosis Christ. OH! Or what about this? The Grinch's Whoville is the same Whoville in Seuss's Horton Hears a Who... which is a microscopic world on a speck of dust! Whoaaaa. I need to smoke some dope and think about that.)
5. Is the Whoville song lyric "Fahoo fores, dahoo dores" actually a coded transmission used by Al Qaeda to pass along secret messages to sleeper agents? (Answer: Definitely.)
6. Which statement best describes the Grinch?
a. A bad banana with a greasy black peel.
b. The sweetness of a seasick crocodile.
c. A triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
d. "He's terrific! Send him to Congress!" —the Tea Party.
7. Under what circumstances would you forgive someone who robbed an ENTIRE TOWN (on Christmas!) while they slept? Would you similarly forgive the Grinch for sneaking into the children's bedroom and leering at sleeping Cindy Lou Who? (Ummm... CREEPY!) And even if you could forgive this person and not press charges, WHY ON EARTH would you invite him to stay for dinner and "carve the roast beast"??? Are you insane?? He's a goddamn psychopath and he's going to TAKE THAT KNIFE AND STAB, STAB, STAB YOU IN THE FACE!! RUNNNNNN!!!
8. Um, is there a doctor in the house? (This isn't on the test... my heart just shrank two sizes, and I think I need a hospital.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Fiona strikes an alliance with Marie Laveau. Get ready for a witch versus voodoo queen showdown!
10:00 NBC KELLY CLARKSON'S CAUTIONARY CHRISTMAS TALE
A "musical morality tale" starring Clarkson and a bevy of stars including… Heidi Klum and William Shatner??
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12
9:00 CW REIGN
Teenage Nostradamus shares a prophecy with teenage Mary, Queen of Scots! (I wish all historical figures could be "teenage.")
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
In the mid-season finale, all the most dangerous secrets come out. Related: Do they give Emmys for overacting?
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 13
9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE
In order for Virginia to plug in the town's Xmas tree, Burt must run for mayor.
9:00 NBC GRIMM
An evil Santa must be stopped-unfortunately, Nick must beat up a bunch of nice Santas first.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 14
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
A mutant reindeer is bullied by his peers and Santa (who's a real dick).
9:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Frosty the Snowman comes to life… until he loses his hat and becomes Frosty the Puddle.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 15
10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX
Season finale! Masters presents his findings from the sex study and-surprise!-his audience is grossed out.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 16
11:59 TOON ROBOT CHICKEN
With a name like the "Born Again Virgin Christmas Special," you know the fundamentalists are gonna love it!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17
9:00 PBS HOW SHERLOCK CHANGED THE WORLD
How modern-day forensic science was inspired by the fictional Holmes!
9:00 NBC THE VOICE
Season finale! A winner is selected, and America can finally rest easy. Phew!!
Help my followers grow three sizes. @WmSteveHumphrey