There are those who rush around during the holidays, sending unasked-for Christmas cards, buying terrible presents for everyone (including people they hate), and begging you to attend their caroling performances—which sound like someone threw a bag of cats into a cement mixer. Then there are those who pull down the shades, drain a bottle of Jim Beam, eat an entire pan of far-too-hot Totino's Pizza Rolls, and watch TV Christmas specials while cleaning their firearms. (Sound familiar?)

Anyway, for those in the second group, I want to make it nice and eeeeasy for you to find all your fave holiday specials this week, especially since you're drunk and holding a crossbow. So here's a list of the heavy hitters that you won't want to miss, and... umm... I think the arrow goes in the other direction. Mmm-kay.

• A Home for the Holidays (CBS, Dec 18, 8 pm). This holiday special is hosted by Celine Dion—who is perhaps certifiably insane and sings songs like she's got a giant alien worm trying to force its way out of her body. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!! (It will also feature a few terribly sad stories about foster children, so run off to the kitchen for a sandwich during those parts if you're feeling particularly suicidal. You're holding a crossbow, for Christ's sake!)

• Michael Bublé's 3rd Annual Christmas Special (NBC, Dec 18, 10 pm). The Grammy Award winner sings the holiday songs you love—while making me want to stab my eardrum out with a roasting fork. Look. I can sing circles around this dickbone—and yet do I get a holiday special? NO, I don't! All I get is this stupid column in which I get paid to call Michael Bublé a dickbone!!

• The Little Drummer Boy (ABC Family, Dec 21, 7:30 am). EASILY the most depressing and darkest of all the creepy-wooden-puppet Christmas specials. A hate-filled boy gets the opportunity to play his drum for Baby Jesus, who is all like, UGH! You're no Tito Puente. NEXT!

• The Year Without a Santa Claus (ABC Family; Dec 21, 1:30 pm; Dec 22, 7 am; Dec 23, 7 pm). Featuring the most beloved of all creepy wooden holiday puppets—the Heat and Snow Miser! (Sorry, Rudolph, we'll send you your severance check in the mail.)

• Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (ABC Family; Dec 21, 2:30 pm; Dec 22, 8 am; Dec 23, 6 pm). Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be walkin' 'cross the floo-ooo-OR!/Put one foot in front OF the ooother!/And soon you'll be headin' out the DOOR! (But don't bring the crossbow.)

• It's a Wonderful Life (NBC, Dec 24, 8 pm). Jimmy Stewart stars as a man who loses everything—but when he takes a hallucinogenic drug (street name: Zuzu's Petals), he imagines a drunk angel who shows him what life would've been like if he'd never been born. Here are three things that would've happened to the world if I hadn't been born: Totino's Pizza Rolls stock would tumble. Roughly 73 children would know who their actual father is. And I wouldn't have just accidentally shot my neighbor's rooftop inflatable Santa with a crossbow. Whoops. recommended

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18

8:00 CW THE IHEARTRADIO JINGLE BALL

The Madison Square Garden concert featuring Pitbull, Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, Miley Cyrus, and her tongue.

9:30 ABC 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE

Barbara Walters returns with her annual list—which annually forgets all about ME!!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19

8:00 FOX THE X FACTOR

Season finale! A winner is chosen—though I swear to god I had NO IDEA this show was even picked up this year.

9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE CHRISTMAS

The best holiday sketches from the SNL archives.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20

8:00 CBS I LOVE LUCY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

A classic I Love Lucy holiday episode that's been unnaturally colorized for your non—enjoyment.

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG BANG

With special guest star Zach Galifianakis dressed in a Santa suit. (There ought to be a law against that.)

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by Jimmy Fallon, with musical guest Justin Timberlake and new versions of sketches you've seen a billion times before.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22

7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie

(1965) The ORIGINAL (and far superior) version starring Julie Andrews and not that buck-toothed hick Carrie Underwood.

10:00 HBO GETTING ON

Check out this very funny (and a little dark) comedy about a critical care unit for the elderly!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 23

9:00 ABC THE GREAT CHRISTMAS LIGHT FIGHT

Families battle to see who can make their front-lawn Christmas decorations look the most grotesque!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24

8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS!

The classic 1966 cartoon followed by the live-action movie abomination starring (blech) Jim Carrey.

8:00 TBS A CHRISTMAS STORY MARATHON—Movie

(1983) Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun—for 24 hours straight!

Put one tweet in front of the other! @WmSteveHumphrey