I don't care what anybody says; the Amish are damn sexy. The women in their hoop skirts and bonnets, the men in their wide-brim hats and funky-ass beards, cruising around town in a horse and buggy filled with peanut brittle (or whatever it is the Amish are selling these days). But here's the sexiest thing about the Amish--they want nothing to do with me! Can you freaking imagine it? I've got the sweetest, juiciest honey-baked ham this side of J.Lo, and the Amish are absolutely immune to its assy charm!

I recall one trip to rural Pennsylvania when I was strutting around Amish-land in a particularly snug pair of fishnet shorts. My booty was looking even more taut than usual, causing local auto accidents to triple that day. And yet when I approached this one Amish guy and asked if I could sample his brittle, he coughed a couple of times and said he "had a barn to raise." What the fawk?!? I mean I know they're religious, but one peek at my hammy made Pope John Paul squirt his holy water!

Anyway, after my initial incredulity, I grew to respect the Amish for their awe-inspiring restraint. No cell phones, no tricked-out rides, no hot-tub parties, and perhaps worst of all, no television! Can you imagine never experiencing the immense and profound wonderment of The O.C. ? Can you imagine never seeing a contestant choke on a rancid mule testicle on Fear Factor? Can you imagine never seeing American Idol, and in particular, William Hung's brilliant rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"? It's like a freaking nightmare, is what it is!

So big ups to the Amish, yo. And it must be particularly painful for these people to have an entire reality TV show created about their lifestyle--and they don't even have a TV to watch it on. The show is entitled Amish in the City (debuting on Wednesday, July 28, at 8 pm on UPN), and it chronicles the journey of five young men and women partaking in the Amish tradition of rumspringa. And while rumspringa sounds like what happens when you bounce a quarter off my ass, in reality it's a rite of passage in which young people leave their uptight communities to experience life in the outside world.

And while a better title for this show would've been Rumspringa Break, or Shake Ya Rumspringa, the producers of Amish in the City have placed the five newbies in an L.A. mansion with six highfalutin city kids, including a musician, club promoter, vegan, swim teacher, and party girl. These worldly roomies then expose the Amish kids to all the modern amenities that us "normal" people experience every day, like visiting an upscale resort island, taking helicopter rides, and walking down the red carpet at a movie premiere. HEY! Wait a goddam second! I've never ridden in a helicopter!

Regardless, and as usual, there's a big controversy over whether or not UPN is exploiting these innocent Amish kids by using a sacred religious act in a cheap, disgusting reality show. And, well... of course they are! They're UPN! However, I look at it like this: The Amish are not retarded, and have been taking care of themselves for longer than most of us have been alive. In fact, I've even seen an Amish guy carrying a gun and punching somebody in the face! (Oh... wait. That was Harrison Ford in Witness... so, never mind.)