LOOK. I know it's my job to watch TV. But if you expect me to watch everything, you're no better than HITLER. (And I don't make that comparison often-ish!) So make no mistake: I can be a TV critic... AND I can hate Game of Thrones (season premiere Sun April 6, 9 pm, HBO). In fact, YOU'RE the one who should be ashamed of yourself for trying to force me to like a show that is clearly for nerd babies. Or at least I think it is. I actually don't know ANYTHING about Game of Thrones other than the basics, which I will describe to you now in a segment I like to call "Game of Thrones for People Who Don't Know Anything About Game of Thrones Written by Someone Who Doesn't Know Anything About Game of Thrones."
[Note to staff fact-checker: Now might be a good time to take the week off.]
Game of Thrones is a series of nerd-baby novels written by George Orson Card Tolkien, which became an HBO series after a group of nerds accidentally thought they were Kickstarting a Dungeons & Dragons show. The series takes place in the Middle Ages and involves four different warring clans: The Gryffindors, the Slytherins, the Hufflepumps, aaaaaand... the Ravenclarinets?
Anyway. They're all fighting to rule the mythical city of Westboro (and its Baptist Church) and lay claim to the famous Iron Chef Throne—which I assumed was in Japan... but who cares. One day, Ned Stark Gryffindor issues a challenge to a hobbit named Tyreesius Dinklage, who is king of the Lannister Hufflepumps.
"I challenge thee to a game of thrones, hobbit!" screeched the haughty Ned Stark Gryffindor, before adding, "Right after I sleep with my twin sister!" To which Tyreesius Dinklage responded, "Sir, 'hobbit' is a derogatory term—we prefer to be called 'ewoks.' Besides, I would happily accept your challenge, except I'm sleeping with my twin brother—who is normal-sized!"
This infuriated Ned Stark Gryffindor, who called his bastard twin brother Robb Snow Stark Gryffindor to his side. "We cannot let Tyreesius Dinklage get the best of us! I propose that we sleep together and then marry each other in a Red Wedding!" "What's a Red Wedding?" Robb Snow Stark Gryffindor asked. "It's where all the bridesmaids wear red," Ned Stark Gryffindor angrily replied. "What are you? An IDIOT?"
Meanwhile, the sadistic Joffrey Slytherin is cooking up his own plan to wrest the kingdom from the Gryffindors and Lannister Hufflepumps and Dinklages—but first he must steal the Ring of Power from a merciless dragon known as the Dark Lord Sauron. (Actually, this story line was taken from George Orson Card Tolkien's second book in the series, The Wrath of Khan.) And so Joffrey Slytherin travels to the distant shire of Middle Earth to confront Lord Sauron—but is shocked to discover, that even though he's a male dragon, Sauron is Joffrey's twin sister! So he sleeps with him... her.
They have a baby! Its name? Palpatine! Who would eventually become the Emperor... urr... Empress of the Galactic Empire!
Anyway, that's the first episode of Game of Thrones. Tune in next week for my recap of episode two!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Elizabeth teams up with a Sandinista agent (the sexiest kind! Rrrrrowrrr!).
10:30 COM TRIPTANK
Debut! A new series featuring bizarre animated shorts created by America’s most bizarre comedians.
THURSDAY, APRIL 3
8:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Leslie helps organize the local high school’s senior prom. (Watch out for that bucket of blood!!)
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
Olivia makes a surprising discovery about the secret organization B613—namely that it’s the stupidest name ever.
FRIDAY, APRIL 4
9:30 FOX RAISING HOPE
Series finale! The very last episode of one of the most consistently funny and underrated comedies on TV.
10:00 NBC HANNIBAL
A serial murderer is stealing people’s organs. Unrelated: Hannibal throws a dinner party!
SATURDAY, APRIL 5
11:30 WE JOAN & MELISSA
Joan Rivers and daughter Melissa try to reverse their terrible plastic-surgery choices—with minimal effect.
SUNDAY, APRIL 6
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Season premiere! The Lannisters want to hold on to the Iron Throne—but not if the Dinklages have anything to do with it!
10:00 HBO SILICON VALLEY
Debut! Mike Judge’s new comedy/satire about tech start-ups looks BRILLIANT. Don’t miss it!
MONDAY, APRIL 7
9:00 SYFY BEING HUMAN
Series finale! Vampire, ghost, and werewolf roommates bid a fond farewell in the final episode of this beloved series.
TUESDAY, APRIL 8
8:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Coulson discovers the team has a traitor in its midst (perhaps Joss Whedon?).
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan is on the warpath to capture Art’s would-be assassin—which is bad news for everyone involved.
Game of Twitter @WmSteveHumphrey