CONTRARY TO PUBLIC OPINION, I do not wish failure upon anyone. Wait.... That's not true. I wish failure upon my officemate Bradley Steinbacher, who is a fawking idiot because he thinks that Batman is a worse superhero than Aquaman. Other than that -- I wish failure upon no one. However! When you write what's been called "America's most smartass-iest TV column," then by definition you are reporting about the one industry (television) that is populated with more retards than any other. So it's not that I enjoy their failure -- otherwise my column would be titled, "I Enjoy the Inherent Failure of Television™." And though this may be a pretty snappy title, if I were to only talk about television's grand successes, I would've written myself right into the homeless bracket years ago!

This being the case, let's chitty-chat-chat about the upcoming TV season. Ohhh (and this should be read as a wistful, yearning "Ohhh"), how I wistfully yearn for the days when I actually looked forward to the new fall season of shows. My finely tuned ham would actually wriggle in anticipation for the hilarious comedies, heart-pounding adventures, and tearful dramas that awaited me. However, after 25 years of having my expectations of greatness cruelly dashed before my eyes AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN, I came to the realization that there is a slight possibility that these TV guys have big piles of shit in their brain-pans.

Example: Did you know that out of the 35 new shows that debuted last fall, only five survived? WELL, IT'S TRUE!! It's like most of the shows were infected by some kinda monkey diarrhea Ebola virus, and were never heard from again. This year the prognosis is no better; once again we have 35 new shows, and at least in my opinion, only five of them have any chance of not sucking dead donkey dookie. And here they are!

Action (9:30 Thursdays, FOX) This show was originally developed for HBO, which means one thing: Lots of DIRTY, DIRTY Words. In fact, this story of a Hollywood producer is so dirty, they would lose 75 percent of the show if they censored it -- so they're just gonna bleep the filthy words out.

Harsh Realm (9:00 Fridays, FOX) This is Chris Carter's (X-Files) new show based on a comic book (Nerd alert! Nerd alert!). Harsh Realm is about a soldier who's drafted to test out a combat-simulation computer program, when all of a sudden he slips on a banana peel, falls in, and I suppose has to fight off a bunch of Pac-Mans and Donkey Kongs. Now that sounds cool!

West Wing (9:00 Wednesdays, NBC) Here's a new comedy/drama from the brilliant Aaron Sorkin (Sports Night) and the irredeemably retarded John Wells (E.R.), about high-powered shenanigans in the White House, starring former sex offender Rob Lowe as the presently sex-offending George Stephanopolous. Sorkin is one of TV's best writers, so watch it now, with the knowledge that it'll be canceled within seven episodes.

Roswell (9:00 Wednesdays, the WB) How's this for a premise? The kids of Dawson's Creek are really butt-poking aliens. If this isn't a hit, I'll eat my hat. (And my hat really tastes like crap!)

Angel (9:00 Tuesdays, the WB) Buffy the Vampire Slayer's favorite dreamy trauma queen (David Boreanaz) is given his own series, wherein he moves to L.A. -- you know... the city of ANGELS?? Get it?? Get it?? You know, I take it all back. These TV guys aren't stupid! They're brilliant!