How so? Ah, all will be revealed momentarily! But first, for those who inexplicably refuse to watch nighttime's greatest soap, here's your down 'n' dirty primer: The O.C. stands for "Orange County" California, which is ground zero for an ass-load of rich, disaffected adults and teens. The Cohen family--composed of mono-browed Jewish patriarch Sandy, waspy stuck-in-the-mud mom Kirsten, adorable nerd Seth, and mopey foster kid from the wrong side of the tracks, Ryan--are the protagonists.
Now, while Ryan originally dated drunky next-door neighbor Marissa, he's dumped her to date drippy Lindsay. Meanwhile, Seth was unceremoniously dumped by Summer (Marissa's best friend, and the hottest girl on TV), and started dating Alex (the punk-rocky barkeep at the Bait Shop--which is the O.C. equivalent to 90210's "Peach Pit"). However, after freaking out about Alex's bisexual tendencies, Seth broke it off, leaving the door wide open for drunky Marissa to hop on the pussy-wagon with Alex!
Okay. Now here's where the "making history" part comes in, and to help I've compiled this "O.C. DNA-Exchange Cheat Sheet"--the world's ONLY list that documents which O.C. characters have been busy exchanging bodily fluids. Here we go…
So as previously stated, Ryan has swapped spit with Marissa, while Seth spent the summer porking Summer. Ryan has also tongue-wrestled Lindsay (the current drippy g-friend), whose biological sister is Ryan's foster mom Kirsten, because Kirsten and Lindsay's father is Caleb. Now Caleb is currently married to and porking Julie (Kirsten's delightfully sluttish boss) whose biological daughter is Marissa, which makes Lindsay her stepsister. This means that Ryan has sucked spit from Marissa and Lindsay, and therefore has tasted the DNA of Julie, Caleb, and his step-mom Kirsten. EWWWWW!
Meanwhile! In addition to porking Summer, Seth has also porked Alex. Therefore, when Alex tongue-wrestled Marissa, that means Ryan, Seth, Summer, Kirsten, Caleb, Lindsay, Sandy, Julie, the aforementioned Marissa and Alex, as well as minor characters Jimmy (Julie's ex, who smooched Kirsten) and Hailey (Kirsten's sister, who Jimmy also porked) HAVE ALL SHARED DNA IN ONE MANNER OR ANOTHER.
And this, my friends, is why The O.C. 's "LESBIAN SUBPLOT" is so vitally important. Because drunky Marissa has decided to go down on the punky Alex, almost every single character is now biologically connected, making The O.C. the most INCESTUOUS prime-time soap in the history of mankind!
Isn't that freaking CRAZY?!? Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot. Look, if I'M not tracking the DNA swapping of fictional TV characters, WHO ELSE IS GONNA DO IT?!
