Today my head is exploding. Apparently, I've come down with what's medically referred to as a "sinus infection"--which means my oxygen intake has been reduced to 7.8 percent of its normal capacity, my skull feels like it's being repeatedly kicked by a donkey with a bee in its ass, a green noxious sludge is spewing from my nose, and my face bears a striking resemblance to a raccoon--a very fat, shaved raccoon. This information is important for you to know, because IF ONE MORE PERSON PISSES ME OFF, I'm this close to taking an ax and holocausting some motherfawker in the nuts.

Case in point: I would very much like to holocaust the nuts of the guy who keeps e-mailing me spam about how I can start "saving on ink toner and cartridges." As it turns out, I don't own a printer. And the printer we have at the office rarely, if ever, works--leaving me with little need for this asshole's "ink toner and cartridges." However, if any business spammers out there have a "quick and EZ way to holocaust a nutsack," I would be very interested in learning more… THAT IS, IF MY FAWKING HEAD DOESN'T EXPLODE FIRST!

So, as you can probably tell, my nerves are a tad bit on edge. Therefore, I would greatly appreciate it if the entire world would just slip a dry-cleaning bag over their heads and sit quietly in a running car for about 12 hours. I'll let you know when I feel better. That being said, enjoy today's I Love Television™ column about how much I hate television this week.

HATRED #1: The Academy Awards (ABC, 8 pm, Sun Feb 27). If there's one national event, other than the Super Bowl, that deserves a "ball-ocaust"--it's the Oscars! The film industry has been treating TV like its retarded cousin for decades, and now they expect TV viewers to pop a boner over which ass-numbing, bloated three-hour art flick beats another? HORSE… SHIT! Where's my ax?!?

HATRED #2: NYPD Blue Series Finale (ABC, 10 pm, Tues March 1). Swear to god, I had no idea this series was still on the air. Last thing I remember is some kid from Saved by the Bell joining the cast, and after finding out it wasn't Screech, I was like, "SCREW THAT!" But apparently it's been on for 12 seasons, so if you never got the opportunity to see Dennis Franz' naked junk… well, don't forget the barf bag.

HATRED #3: There's no Arrested Development this week! (Fox, normally 8:30 pm, Sundays). And even worse? Fox has decided to shorten AD's season by a few episodes to make room for the absolutely ABYSMAL new Seth MacFarlane horseshit cartoon, American Dad! Now I know you signed enough petitions during the last election cycle to last a lifetime, but get on the goddamn Internet and sign the petition to SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT… NOW!!! [] What's great is that besides helping rescue the smartest, funniest show on TV, you can also write personal comments to Fox executives. For example, here's mine: "Hey, MAW! Bring me my ax! I got me some testicle-holocaustin' to do!"