Halloween! For me, it means two things: my quacky doctor nagging me about adult onset diabetes (it probably doesn't help to visit the doc with a mouth full of candy corn), and choosing a SAXY, SAXY Halloween costume. Ridiculously, women have the most choices when it comes to SAXY costumes. Here are but a few that are currently and actually on sale: saxy cop, saxy pizza, saxy Minnie Mouse, saxy stick of gum, saxy Pikachu, saxy sailor, saxy Coca-Cola can, saxy prison guard, saxy cheetah, saxy Osama bin Laden (I AM NOT KIDDING!), saxy mouse, saxy SpongeBob SquarePants, saxy Native American, saxy Ernie and saxy Bert. (I couldn't find a saxy Islamic State costume—but we both know it's there, don't we?)
Conversely, saxy Halloween costumes for dudes are few and far between—though just as idiotic. For example (and once again, these are absolutely real): saxy pirate, saxy firefighter, saxy gas pump (use your imagination), saxy cobra charmer (use your imagination), saxy shirtless guy with plaid shorts and a huge fake dong (no need to use your imagination), and saxy penis. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. Where are the legitimately saxy costumes that do not involve me dressing up as a fake and vastly inferior replication of my own dong?
Therefore, for the umpteenth year in a row, I am forced to use my formidable creativity to come up with a saxy outfit that is neither flesh colored nor covered in veins. And as usual, it's television providing the inspiration I need! Here are the ideas I've come up with so far. (Please feel free to steal any of the following suggestions. All I ask is that if you do choose to dress as a dong... make it my dong.)
• Saxy Wolf Blitzer: Yes, anyone can put on a werewolf mask, a business suit, and a big fake dong and call himself "Saxy Wolf Blitzer." However, since my ample bottom has been declared a model of structural perfection by researchers at MIT, all I really need is the werewolf mask, business suit, and a jock strap.
• Saxy Commander Riker: Now some of you may be saying, "Waaaaaitasecond! Commander Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation is already super-duper saxy!" Yes... BUT! I will be dressing as Commander Riker at his most saxiest—that is, wearing a beard and playing a trombone. (And NO, the trombone DOESN'T have a dong on it!)
• Saxy Any Show by Shonda Rhimes: Scandal! Grey's Anatomy! How to Get Away with Murder! Are these shows by TV auteur Shonda Rhimes super saxy? OF COURSE NOT! But apparently a huge number of Americans think so (ratings don't lie!), which is why I'm designing a T-shirt with those three titles printed on it, and an arrow pointing down at my baloney.
• Saxy Game of Thrones Fan: For most guys, pulling this off is a near impossibility. However, I'll do so by dressing as Ryan Gosling dressed as Brad Pitt dressed as Megan Fox dressed as a Game of Thrones fan. Oh, and I suppose I'll add a dong. Saxy desperate times call for saxy desperate measures.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22
9:00 CW THE 100
Season premiere! This hot teen version of Lord of the Flies returns with an old villain.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW
The Freakies refuse to perform on Halloween due to an old carnie superstition (good instinct)!
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23
8:00 A&E INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
This week the Actors Studio welcomes Sting—which makes me want to murder the earth.
Midnight TOON NEWSREADERS
Season premiere! This heeelarious parody of TV newsmagazines (created by Rob Corddry) is back!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Season premiere! Nick adjusts to the loss of his Grimm powers. (Ohhh, poor baby has to be normal like the rest of us!)
10:00 NBC CONSTANTINE
Debut! A retired demon hunter gets back into the biz in this adaptation of the DC comic.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
With rubber-faced host Jim Carrey and rubber-faced musical guest Iggy Azalea.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick and the gang find themselves skull smashing again… but with people who are alive. (That’s a switch!)
MONDAY, OCTOBER 27
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Jim Gordon is attacked by a goat. (Probably not a real goat, which would be so much better.)
10:30 TOON MIKE TYSON MYSTERIES
Debut! An animated series about Mike Tyson, his Korean daughter, a ghost, and a pigeon solving mysteries. YESSSSSSSS!
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28
8:00 CW THE FLASH
Put on your insulated underpants! Here comes Captain Cold!
9:00 ABC AGENTS OF SHIELD
Those dicks at HYDRA impersonate SHIELD and attack the United Nations! DICKS!
Saxy Twitter! @WmSteveHumphrey