Okay, fine, so maybe I'm a weeeeee bit late jumping on the superhero bandwagon. BUT! The way I see it, it's gonna take the public another year to hate superheroes as much as they despise CNN's Ebola coverage. And before then? I CAN MAKE BUCKETS OF MOO-LAH-LAH, BABY, YAAAAAAAAAHHH$$$$$$$$$!!!!
As you may have heard, Marvel Studios has superhero movies booked for the next several decades (including flicks starring Black Panther and Captain Marvel). Meanwhile on TV, DC is flooding the market with Gotham, Arrow, The Flash, and the recently debuted Constantine (NBC, Fridays, 10 pm). Likewise, Marvel is hammering the airwaves with Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., as well as the upcoming Agent Carter and Daredevil (on Netflix), while currently developing shows based on Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, Iron Fist, and The Defenders. DEAR GOD. Before you know it, Shonda Rhimes is going to put the entire Grey's Anatomy cast in spandex and capes, and that's when America will blow their freaking brains out.
[Pardon me while I pause for a SIDEBAR RANT™! Ummm... What is UP with that new Jake Gyllenhaal movie, Nightcrawler?!? As you know, Nightcrawler is a teleporting mutant from Marvel comics, and one of my fave heroes—but after sitting through half this movie, I was like, "WHEN IS THIS A-HOLE GOING TO TELEPORT?!? AND WHERE'S HIS FREAKING POINTY TAIL?!?" That's when I realized this movie has NOTHING to do with the actual Nightcrawler, and I'd been bamboozled by an evil movie studio preying on innocent customers like myself!! Hey, movie studios! How would YOU like to pay for a movie called Jennifer Lawrence and Megan Fox Tongue-Kissing for Two Hours, only to find out it's actually Al Gore lecturing us on global warming? YOU WOULD NOT LIKE THAT VERY MUCH, BUTTHOLES!]
Anyway, that's why it's time for me to enter the "superhero overconsumption business" and pitch the following sure-to-be-successful TV show to the networks. And it's called...
Exploding Testicles! This show follows the exploits of a young female hero named Exploding Testicles. Basically she's a normal gal who gets verbally harassed on the street constantly, until one day she's bitten by a radioactive marmoset. (I may change that last part.) Anyway, she wakes up and discovers she's been blessed with the power to explode men's testicles just by thinking about it! So that's what she does: She goes around finding jerks who are mean to her and her friends, and she explodes their testicles.
That's the first episode! Then, after learning that Exploding Testicles has the power to explode testicles, every man on the planet starts acting reeeeeeeeal nice, see? And not just to her! To all women! Because other women start pretending to have the power to explode testicles, right? And with the constant fear of having their testicles exploded hanging over their heads, men across the globe begin treating all women with the respect they so rightly deserve! HURRAH!!
Annnd... that's the second episode. Unfortunately, nothing much happens after that. Since guys are being so nice, the show kind of turns into a sitcom about a woman with the power to explode testicles—but who no longer gets the opportunity to explode testicles.
I see it lasting seven seasons!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
7:00 BBCA THE GAME
Debut! A Brit drama set in 1972 where spies combat Russkies trying to blow up London (testicles)!
8:00 CW ARROW
Oliver and Felicity try to stem a cyber attack after their credit card numbers are hacked from Target!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6
9:00 ABC SCANDAL
Olivia tries to clear Jake’s name when he gets embroiled in a… SCANDAL!
10:00 CBS ELEMENTARY
Holmes and Watson easily solve a double homicide, because it’s, duh… ELEMENTARY!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick investigates a slaying at a boxing gym—and gets a bloody nose for his trouble.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
Season finale! The Cybermen invade London, and the Who gang are determined to kick some cyber ass.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 9
9:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM
Season premiere! The newsroom spends an hour arguing journalistic ethiczzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
10:45 HBO GETTING ON
Season premiere! Check out this verrry funny comedy set in a geriatric hospital ward. Seriously! It’s funny!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Gordon investigates a “fight club”—for people applying for jobs! (Bad idea or good idea?)
9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW
Ichabod combats a succubus who drains people of their life force. (Kinda like my ex-wife… AMIRITE? HIGH FIVE!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11
8:00 CW THE FLASH
Barry gets super-annoyed by people who call him “The Streak.” (C’mon! That’s an old Ray Stevens song, guys!)
9:00 FOX NEW GIRL
To put Jess’s new boyfriend at ease, Nick has the terrible idea of pretending to be gay.
Exploding Tweets! @WmSteveHumphrey