Click bait! My editors tell me you love it, and you can’t get enough of it! (Confidential to your grandma: “Click bait” is the term for online stories begging to be “clicked,” usually accompanied with sensational headlines, such as “The Top 10 Celebrity Adorable Kittens with Ebola… and Also SEX!”) Anyway, my boss is all like: “Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me! If you want a paycheck this week, I want you to write the click-baitiest click-bait article that’s ever been clicked!” (Who am I to disagree with a paycheck?) And with that, may I now present…
“The Top Eight Worst Lifetime Movies Ever Made… and SEX! And CELEBRITY BOOBS! And a DOG playing a XYLOPHONE! (Can you click this, please? Thanks.)”
8. William and Kate (2011): The royal couple got the unroyal treatment with this stultifyingly boring biopic about two people who are (in Lifetime’s defense) already stultifyingly boring. Best moment: Actually, there were no “best moments”… unless you count the review from the London Evening Standard, which could only muster up the following positive feedback: “It is recognisably a film, in that it takes place on a screen. Events run in a forward direction.”
7. Liz and Dick (2012): You know, I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. She’s already been knocked down a number of pegs, but tricking her into the role of Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie? That’s like beating a dead horse, hopping up and down on the dead horse, and then shooting a video of the dead horse falling off a trampoline, posting it to YouTube, and writing in the first comment, “GAY!!”
6. Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story (2014): First of all, they couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a less generic title? Secondly, it was based on Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s “unauthorized” (read: full of bullplop) biography, and third, the actors resembled the original cast about as much as I resemble Ryan Gosling. (Wait… let me finish… Ryan Gosling’s anal tumor. Which is to say, “kinda.”)
5. The Brittany Murphy Story (2014): If there’s one thing Lifetime specializes in, it’s taking fond memories of mourned celebrities and turning them into a plate of regurgitation provided by a pig that lapped up the regurgitation of a syphilitic donkey, which in turn ate the regurgitation of a vulture with the stomach flu.
4. Anna Nicole (2013): See above.
3. Aaliyah: The Princess of R&B (2014): See above… times 1,000.
2. I Will Always Love You: The Whitney Houston Story (2015): This movie isn’t even premiering until 2015, but I’m traveling into the future to say, “See above! TIMES 100 BAZILLION KAJILLION.”
1. Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014, debuts Sat Nov 29, 8 pm): Apparently not enough celebrities are dying, because Lifetime is now being forced to humiliate internet memes. Based on the sour-looking cat pictures your mom won’t quit sending you, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever is about a foul-mannered feline (voiced by Parks and Recreation’s Aubrey Plaza, who really should know better) that befriends and rescues a child who gets locked in the mall on Christmas Eve. And now, after writing that sentence, I AM FORCED TO MURDER THE ENTIRE EARTH. (But before you die, would you mind clicking this? Thanks.)
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26
8:00 ABC CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Charlie Brown and the gang visit the first Thanksgiving and give Native Americans “syphilis blankets.”
8:00 NBC THE MAKING OF PETER PAN LIVE
A peek behind the scenes of NBC’s live-action Peter Pan, and… it’s Thanksgiving Eve… shouldn’t you be drinking?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27
1:00 NBC MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
It’s Thanksgiving… shouldn’t you be in bed nursing your hangover?
8:00 FOX CAUSE FOR PAWS: AN ALL-STAR DOG SPECTACULAR
Inspiring stories and viral videos starring adorable puppies and dogs. CLICK BAIT!!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28
9:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
A snowman comes to life but doesn’t murder anybody (which keeps this from becoming a horror movie).
9:00 PBS KRISTIN CHENOWETH: COMING HOME
I don’t care what any of you think of me, I’m going to watch the shit out of this.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 LIF GRUMPY CAT’S WORST CHRISTMAS EVER—Movie
(2014) In its defense, it’s not the Whitney Houston story.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick seeks a peaceful resolution with new enemies, and you know what that means… bloodshed ahoy!
9:00 HBO THE NEWSROOM
Will could go to jail for refusing to divulge a sourcezzzzzzzzzzz… snort! Snort! ZZZZZZZZZZZ.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 1
9:00 FOX SLEEPY HOLLOW
Ichabod rushes to save Katrina with the help of “the Sword of Methuselah” (which I think is the name of a death metal band).
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2
8:30 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Charlie’s attempt to rescue a tree humiliates it worse than a Lifetime movie.
9:00 ABC AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
One of Coulson’s team makes the “ultimate sacrifice.” (They have to clean the S.H.I.E.L.D. toilet?)
Destroying beloved internet memes every day. @WmSteveHumphrey