As you know, I'm always looking to make a little extra moo-la-la ($$$) on the side. Here are just a few of the moonlighting jobs I've taken to supplement my "wise-ass TV column" income: jizz mopper at Mr. Peep's Adult Video Store. Personal assistant to former secretary of state Madeleine Albright. Scuba-diving golf ball retriever. Slapping the face of Republican senator Ted Cruz whenever he says something stupid (I was eventually let go because I was wearing a hole in his cheek). Dressing up like He-Man for bachelorette parties. "Insult barista" (instead of making coffee, my job was to wear an apron and roll my eyes at the customers). Sweatshop middle management. Selling mustache rides for five cents. Monkey whisperer. And freelance astronaut (luckily, the standards for Croatia's space program are very low).
Anyway, a verrrrrry innnnnteresting job opportunity in the highly lucrative field of "jerkhole detection" has presented itself—and I'm seriously considering taking it! In short, "jerkhole detection" is solving difficult conundrums or crimes while being a complete jerkhole about it. For example, Benedict Cumberbatch in the BBC's Sherlock: total jerkhole! A baffling case is presented to him, and instead of saying, "Wow, this is a toughie. I can see why you felt insecure about your ability to solve it," he's all like, "Pip pip and cor blimey, guv'nah! You're a right git and a bit of a dank squib, aren't ya now? But by Jove, I'll have this confuddling tallywagger cinched in a tuppence of the birds, mate! Tallyho, you dodgy wanker, and HUZZAH!"
UNGGHHHH. British people are the WORST.
In fact, because they are so "the worst," America hired a Brit (Hugh Laurie) to play the lead role in the extremely popular series House—about a jerkhole doctor who used his jerkhole detection skills to solve medical mysteries and act like a complete and utter jerkhole. However, after being a jerkhole for eight seasons, the show ended, and now Fox television is replacing that jerkhole with a brand-new jerkhole debuting this week, Backstrom (Fox, Thurs Jan 22, 9 pm).
Based on the Swedish detective novels by Leif G.W. Persson, the show revolves around Portland detective Everett Backstrom (played by The Office's Rainn Wilson), who's a genius when it comes to solving crimes... buuuuut—yep, you guessed it—is a total raging jerkhole. Following a five-year banishment to the traffic division, Backstrom is called up to the Special Crimes Unit to solve particularly sticky murders and treat his coworkers like donkey plop... all while getting increasingly soused on booze and clogging his arteries with bacon-wrapped, whipped-cream-filled pizza rolls (a snack I invented, BTW).
Now, in the original novels, Backstrom was a prick of the highest order—rude, misogynistic, and racist—but I'm assuming Fox will be toning down those qualities somewhat for TV... unless of course they want a tsunami of self-righteous Twitter vigilantes crashing down upon their heads. Anyway, it's super obvious that "jerkhole detection" is something that America really wants—and who'd be a better jerkhole detective than me? (Oh, and FYI? It was your cousin Seth who murdered your grandma... just in case you give a crap, IDIOT.)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21
8:00 CW ARROW
When Oliver disappears, it’s up to the rest of the team to use their “jerkhole detection” skills to find him.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Season finale! The freaks have had enough of the town’s donkey plop… and bad things happen.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 22
9:00 FOX BACKSTROM
Debut! Detective Backstrom comforts a murdered person’s family… by being a complete jerkhole!
9:00 CW REIGN
It’s sexy teenage Mary, Queen of Scots, versus the old and decidedly UN-sexy Vatican!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 23
12:30 am COM THIS IS NOT HAPPENING
Debut! Hilarious comedians tell hilariously true and embarrassing stories.
9:00 SYFY 12 MONKEYS
Cole learns the only person who can stop the plague is in (dang it! Not again!) an insane asylum.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 24
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Host: Blake Shelton. Musical guest: Blake Shelton. Viewers: nowhere to be seen.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 25
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Adam gets lured into Jessa’s world (where she is the queen of never-ending drama).
9:30 HBO TOGETHERNESS
Brett tries to mend a broken work relationship during a movie premiere by texting him constantly.
MONDAY, JANUARY 26
8:00 FOX GOTHAM
Gordon tries to solve a murder—but isn’t enough of a jerkhole to get it done. (Call Batman!!)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 27
9:00 ABC AGENT CARTER
Howard Stark asks Carter if she’d like to be the mother of his Iron Baby.
10:00 FX JUSTIFIED
Raylan’s investigation lands him in the middle of a paramilitary outfit—who are even bigger jerkholes than him!
Self-righteous vigilantism, every day. @WmSteveHumphrey