HELLO. I AM Chet Stanley ™ Denman, and I have been asked, by my cousin Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, to write this new "spin-off" column entitled, I Love Television™: Special Victims Unit. How did I get this job? Well, I will tell you. Not to speak badly of my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, but he is often a very jealous and vengeful person. When we were children, I received a plastic bow and arrow set for my birthday. When I refused to let him play with it, he tricked me into believing a leprechaun who owned a pot filled with Hubba Bubba lived in my go-kart engine. I lost the tips of two fingers.

However, I don't hold any grudge toward my cousin. He has been especially kind to me ever since the leprechaun incident, as well as after my divorce, and after I lost my job at NASA (I was accidentally tricked into handing over sensitive documents to a Domino's delivery person). Anyway, when my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, told me he was interested in developing a "spin-off" column (just like TV shows often do), I hastily expressed my interest in the project. Though it may come as a surprise, my cousin is quite the bon vivant within our family -- mainly because of his prestige as a columnist. I lose count of the times my family has held their sides with laughter after an amusing quip my cousin made while I was trying to tell a story. Granted, he's a very, very funny person. And according to my mother, the most charming person on our side of the family.

Anyway. After expressing interest in the project, my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, agreed to let me write it on the following conditions: (1) I would be paid the "spin-off" rate of 70 percent less than what he makes, (2) the column would be called I Love Television™: Special Victims Unit -- apparently an amusing nod to the new Law & Order show of the same name, and perhaps most importantly, (3) the new column would have to be "extreme." Since I am currently unemployed, I quickly agreed to the first stipulation, and though I believe a better name for the column might be Chet Stanley™ Denman's TV Funnies, my cousin didn't seem to think so. As for the third condition, I have no trouble with that at all. I'm very "extreme."

As a reader of my new occasional column, I believe you will find me to be a jovial sort of chum; one who you will want to admire and write many fan letters to. My cousin gets many fan letters every week, which I imagine must be very flattering. The closest thing to a fan letter I've ever received is a note from MCI thanking me for switching my long distance service. Not that I'm jealous, or anything. As mentioned earlier, my cousin is a very funny and popular person, which is an admirable quality, apparently.

So. Without any further ado, here is the first installment of I Love Television™: Special Victims Unit, in which I discuss the merits and shortcomings of the new Law & Order spin-off, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (Mondays, 9:00, NBC). I've never written a column before, so I do hope you enjoy it. Here it goes.

Hey, everybody. What the "fawk" is up with you? Ouch. My "honey baked ham" sure does hurt from watching so much television. Like that new Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for example. Man, would I ever like to kick those people in their fannies. I mean, that show is like, so "fawking" "stoopid." Those people must be taking a big dose of marijuana if they think this is a good show, because, like, it's not. I'd rather be watching Yankee Workshop on PBS. Ha. Ha. HA! HA! No, seriously, I would. Extreme!

Okay, I'm done. Thank you.

Send fan letters to chet@thestranger.com