TV... you are truly the cruelest of mistresses. Wait! I take that back, because occasionally a mistress will have sex with you (and eventually try to blackmail you out of your life savings by informing your first wife via e-mail that you like to be spanked with a whisk). Actually, TV is like a high-school bully pretending to befriend you by offering an extra ticket to see Kajagoogoo in concert, but when you arrive he yanks down your underpants and throws you on stage in front of 7,000 people. (Umm... not that anything like this has ever happened to me, of course.) WAIT! TV is neither a mistress nor a high-school bully... it's a paramedic who failed paramedic school but gets the job anyway because he has an uncle in the business, and when you're on the ground suffering from a mild heart attack, the paramedic forgets what to do and tries to revive you by sticking your genitals into an angry beehive.

Yeah... that's what TV is like.

What's that? In what way is TV like a forgetful paramedic with a beehive and genital fixation? Because I've spent the entire summer slowly slipping into an alcohol-and-Doritos-induced coma because there's been absolutely NOTHING good to watch on TV! And just when I'm prepared to let Death envelop me in his sweet boney embrace... suddenly a billion new shows debut, and I'm startled back to life by the TV equivalent of an angry beehive on my joint!!

Ugh. I need to lie down. My genitals hurt. Here are some new shows debuting this week. OWW!!

Community (NBC, debuts Thurs Sept 17, 9:30 pm). The deliciously hilarious Joel McHale (The Soup) stars as a disgraced lawyer sent back to community college to endure a Breakfast Club variety of classmates, including SNL alum Chevy Chase. A funny show that's the TV equivalent of a beehive full of bologna on your ding-a-ling.

Bored to Death (HBO, debuts Sun Sept 20, 9:30 pm). Jason Schwartzman (he was in Rushmore, dude) is a struggling novelist turned private eye who's assisted by everyone's favorite comedian Zach Galifianakis (he was in The Hangover, dude) and Ted Danson (he was in Becker, dude). It's like a beehive on your junk—but better, because the bees are famous!

Modern Family (ABC, debuts Wed Sept 23, 9 pm). This show doesn't have any famous people in it—except maybe Ed O'Neill (Al Bundy from Married with Children)—but is notable because it has sharp, snappy writing and a prominent gay couple (always a plus), and is deliciously mean-spirited. (In this case, you're wearing a gay beehive on your juicy bits that is meticulously decorated.)

Cougar Town (ABC, debuts Wed Sept 23, 9:30 pm). This stars the rapidly aging and desperate Courteney Cox as a rapidly aging and desperate cougar on the unsuccessful prowl for some beefy man meat. Here, your trouser ham is encased in a beehive filled with angry bees that sting the shit out of you—and then drink three cosmos before bursting into tears. (Oh, why... why... why can't this show be about actual cougars?) recommended

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

Season premiere! Leslie causes controversy when she weds two gay penguins at the zoo.

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Season premiere! The Dunder-Mifflin gang spreads malicious (read: hilarious) rumors about the summer interns.

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Season premiere! Frank, Mac, and Dennis make money the old-fashioned way—exploiting home foreclosures.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

10:00 E! TALK SOUP

Joel McHale humiliates a new crop of celebs, immediately followed by a repeat of his new show, Community!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

11:00 FOX TALK SHOW WITH SPIKE FERESTEN

Check out this late-night gabfest whose desperation is occasionally hee-larious!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Season premiere! Since Larry refuses to be happy for very long, he's already reconsidering his relationship with Loretta.

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

A surprise visitor shows up at Sterling Cooper. (Is it Don's dead brother? His dead father-in-law? It's gotta be a dead somebody!)

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! This season, Cheryl is paired up with disgraced a-hole Republican Tom DeLay! POOR CHERYL! (Hee-hee-hee!)

8:00 NBC HEROES

Season premiere! Freshman Claire gets unwanted attention at college—and no, it's not because of the "kegger incident."

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22

10:00 ABC THE FORGOTTEN

Debut! Christian Slater sets himself up for failure again with this ridiculous-sounding show about amateur CSI-style sleuths.

10:00 CBS THE GOOD WIFE

Debut! Julianna Margulies (ER) sets herself up for failure again with this depressing show about a humiliated single lawyer.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 23

8:00 NBC MERCY

Debut! A new hospital drama that focuses on nurses who CARE, damnit!! (They also have a lot of sex, too... because they CARE, damnit!!)

10:00 ABC EASTWICK

Debut! A remake of The Witches of Eastwick starring the surgically enhanced Rebecca Romijn.

Bzzzz... OWWW!!