HELLO. I AM CHET STANLEY™ Denman. Do you remember me? I am Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's cousin. Last week I wrote my first column ever. It was a "spin-off" of I Love Television™ called "I Love Television™: Special Victims Unit." Now, here is the second one. I hope you like it. In case you didn't read my first column (the one before this one), I asked readers to send me "fan" letters. My family has always been impressed by the fact that my cousin receives a lot of "fan" letters. So I thought I would ask for some, too. Well, I did not receive any. Actually, I did receive a few letters, but it was mostly from people who wanted to know what happened to my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey.

This was unexpected. I'm sure when my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, receives his many "fan" letters, they are usually about him -- not someone else. Anyway. To answer your questions, I have no idea what my cousin is doing, but I can make some educated guesses. I am fairly certain he snorts coke. I've never actually seen him snort coke, but since everyone is always telling me how Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is, quote, "sooo funny," I imagine it's because of the coke. Robin Williams used to do coke. Back when he was funny.

Anyway. Out of the many letters received, there was one which had something to do with the subject of television, which this column is about. Here is the letter now.

Dear Chet Stanley™ Denman,

Would you please address the latest annoying ploy currently employed on network TV -- talking directly to the camera? They do it on FOX's Get Real, ABC's Once and Again, and NBC's Mike O'Malley. It's VERY disturbing, and an issue that really needs to be addressed.

Thank you. -- Ingrid Bartels

Dear Ingrid Bartels: I've never seen any of these shows you are talking about. But it sounds like it could be annoying. I don't like it when people stare at me. When we were kids, my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, used to stare at me all the time. And not in a friendly way. He would stare and stare and stare, and when I told on him, he would quickly look away, feigning innocence. Then I would start screaming, "BUT HE DID STARE!!! HE DID!!! MAKE HIM STOP STARING AT MEEEEEE!!!!" But my parents didn't believe me, and that's why they put me on Thorazine.

I'm not angry about it, though. The Thorazine really seems to help. I never lose my temper, and I never get hiccups. I guess the downside would be fecal impaction, enlargement of male breasts, and inhibited ejaculation -- but it's nice going through life not really having any strong feelings about anything, one way or another.

Okay. Anyway, thanks for mailing in your question, Ingrid Bartels, even though it wasn't really a "fan" letter. Thank you.

Okay, I see I have a little space left, so this might be a good opportunity to remind you to send in "fan" letters. Especially from girls. I know my cousin, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, gets "fan" letters from both girl and boy "fans," and I assume he sleeps with all of them. That's why I only want "fan" letters from girls. I mean, I like boys, too, but not in that way. Okay? Okay. In 12 more words I'll be out of space. Okay, there. Now I'm done.

Girls! Send "fan" mail to Chet at chet@thestranger.com!