BESIDES BEING A tough-as-nails TV reporter, I also cover the "general entertainment beat." This means while other news hounds are sniffing around for the opportunity to destroy a politician's career, I'm downloading Christina Aguilera's newest MP3 ("Come On Over"), uncovering what shade of toenail polish Britney Spears wears (purple, from The Body Shop), and discovering what fast food restaurant the scrumpdillyicious Backstreet Boy Brian worked at before hitting it big (Long John Silver's. HAW! HAW! HAW!). However! When doing research on today's subject, David Boreanaz (star of the new hit WB series Angel, Tuesdays at 9:00), I knew I needed to rely on more than my beloved speculative Internet, which in the past had served me so well. For truly deep, informative analysis, I had to go straight to the source: Entertainmenteen magazine.

Now I may be fired for this, but I don't care: Entertainmenteen magazine is the greatest goddam magazine on the planet. And it richly deserves this accolade for the following reasons: (A) Entertainmenteen is a name that easily trips off the tongue; (B) Entertainmenteen provides in-depth, serious reportage of celebrity life (for example, this month's photo spread called "Waterbabe Workout!" which features the Backstreet Boys frolicking in a pool and engaging in a spirited, homoerotic game of grab-ass); and finally, (C) Entertainmenteen provides useful everyday survival tips, like "How to Win Your School Election" and "99 Ways to Increase Your WOW Factor." (Go ahead, laugh. But let me tell you, after I read that article? My WOW factor went up 34 percent!)

Anyway, this is all to say that I was shocked -- shocked to discover that my precious Entertainmenteen magazine had surprisingly little to say on the beefcake known to us as David Boreanaz. Oh, sure -- they have all the obvious information that could easily be gleaned from such substandard publications as Tiger Beat, Blast!, or Bop!, such as his birthdate (May 16, 1971), fave sports (football, baseball, and bungee jumping), and deodorant (Old Spice Sport Stick)... but I ask you: Where's the dirt?? In an exclusive interview with MTV's Carson Daly, Entertainmenteen revealed that Carson proposed to Alanis Morissette, loves Slim Jims, and once considered becoming a Catholic priest! And in an extremely personal bio of Dawson's Creek's Josh Jackson, the magazine revealed this pudgy stud had been expelled from school TWICE -- "once for behavior and once for excessive absences due to his Mighty Ducks filming schedule." (!!!!!!)

Now THIS is the kind of gossip I want to hear! Not this "David Boreanaz's grandfather was a stonecutter in Italy who came to America" stuff! SNORE!! ZZZZZZZ! SNORE!! Or that he owns a 1996 black Ford Explorer and plays the harmonica! ZZZ! Snort! ZZZZZZZZZ! In fact, the only slightly interesting bit of information was about how David was once a towel boy at a sports club (am I wrong or does that sound really GAY?).

I mean, what does Entertainmenteen expect me to do? Actually call up David Boreanaz or his agent and ASK for an interview? I am so sure! Believe me, folks: I would absolutely love giving you the lowdown on that beefy hunk of meatloaf, David Boreanaz -- but how am I expected to do my job, when magazines like Entertainmenteen won't do theirs? Now, if I were you? I would immediately put pen to paper and write a scolding, invective-filled letter to Entertainmenteen's editor, chastising this normally excellent mag for its embarrassing Boreanaz coverage. I would do it myself, but that would cut into research time that could be better spent discovering the really important stuff -- like Jennifer Love Hewitt's bra size. (34 D. Owchi-wa-waa!)